American metal bands Dawnbringer and Nightbringer are locked in a bitter dispute over whether night or day should be “brought”.

Nightbringer mainman Naas Alcameth claimed that any self-respecting metalhead would probably prefer night over day and that the argument was completely nonsensical anyway.

“We’re prepared to have a fistfight over it though” he said yesterday.

In response, Dawnbringer guitarist Scott Hoffman took up Alcameth’s challenge.

“The fight is on, man! We ain’t scared of no pussies in goth makeup. They only want to bring the night so it’s harder to see how gay they look. Or so it’s easier to bum other men in bushes 24/7. We’re bringing the dawn in boys, yeehaa!”

Whatever the outcome of the hastily arranged duel, a dozen or so bands called Stormbringer also waded into the debate this morning. Generic Black, spokesman for the loose coalition of identically monikered bands issued a statement at a press conference earlier today.

“Be it night or day that wins out, we, the Stormbringers will still be there to rain on them. And maybe thunder a bit. So whatever happens, we win by sheer force of numbers. And if the Plaguebringers think they can get up to their usual pestilence spreading mischief, they’re sadly mistaken. The Doombringers let their tyres down. And the Deathbringers too.”

“Oh, and as to the Warbringers, I say… bring it on!” he quipped.

The Nightbringer vs. Dawnbringer fight is due to take place in a forest clearing somewhere in Pennsylvania at exactly 02:00am next Sunday. The event is free, but you must bring your own dawn with you so as the combatants can see each other.

Former members of defunct black metal band Night Conquers Day have been barred from attending the event and will not be allowed entry. Erik of Watain is also barred due to height restrictions. And also because he’s a lame twat.

Scooby and the gang were taking vacation in Sweden. As usual, Scooby and Shaggy had wandered off by themselves and were about to get into some spooky trouble at the local recording studio!

“Say Scoobs, why’s that freaky dude over there like staring at us like that?”

“Rhy ron’t row Rhaggy!”

“Zoiks! He’s coming over!”

Scooby shook nervously all over as a creepy looking midget with long, badly dyed, greasy hair approached the two friends.

“What are you two doing here?” he said in a high pitched and rather gay voice.

Laughing in that rather irritating way that he does, Shaggy scratched his head as he replied, “Like, I don’t know, we just got like lost I guess, we’ll be on our way! Sorry!”

“Rhat’s right! Rorry!”

“Wait a minute. If you want you can come in and watch us playing one of our new songs. You see, my name’s Erik and I play in a really happening black metal group called Watain. In fact, it’s the most evil and blasphemous band ever!”

Scooby placed his paws over his eyes as Erik bustled the two chums into the recording studio. Inside, a fat man was sweating behind the mixing desk and was pale with fright.

“W-who are th-these g-g-guys Erik?” he said in a terrified voice.

“Just some… aquaintances of mine” he said with an evil cackle, “they’ve come to listen to our latest black metal record! Bwa hahaha! It’s the most evil and darkest and sataniest album ever recorded! It’s going to destroy the whole world! Hahahaha!!!!”

As Scooby and Shaggy watched, Erik ordered the fearful record producer to play back one of the songs off their latest album “Lawless Darkness”.

“Rhaggy! Ro romething!” Scooby howled in terror.

“Like, I don’t know what to do old buddy! We’re like, doomed!”

Suddenly the music began to play at deafening volume. Scooby and Shaggy cowered, then slowly uncovered their eyes and looked at each other in bewilderment.

“Rhaggy, rhat’s rappening?”

“I don’t know Scoobs, this music like, totally sucks! It’s just lame rock/heavy metal music with harsh vocals. It sounds like a Judas Priest tribute act performed by a bunch of like, Down’s Syndrome children or something.”

Erik angrily slammed his little fists on the mixing desk and tried to run out the door, but tripping over his ego, he fell flat on his face and was held down by several police officers who appeared out of nowhere.

“Well done you two” said one of the senior officers, “we’ve been watching this little villain for a while now. If you hadn’t stopped him, this crap would be all over MTV by now.”

One of the police officers grabbed Erik’s head and pulled upwards. His face stretched until his face came off altogether.

“Zoiks! Scoobs! It’s like, Blacky Lawless out of WASP!”

“That’s right! I used the kvlty trappings of underground black metal to pass off terrible music on moronic people who don’t know any better. And I would have got away with it too, if it wasn’t for you pesky kids.”

“Like, what’ll happen to him now chief?” Shaggy asked the senior officer as Blacky was led away.

“Don’t you kids worry, we’re going to take him out to the woods and shoot him in the back of the neck.”

“Well Scoobs, I guess that’s what you get for being a Lawless Blacky (Darkness)! Ha ha! I don’t know, make your own lame ending joke up.”

“Scooby dooby dooooo!”

It seems our last little article on “orthodox black metal” stirred up a bit of angry debate. Here at Anti-Humanism HQ we received a large amount of emails on the subject, mostly in defence of Watain et al.

A common thread running through most of the critcism was “Watain and Ofermod are the best in the scene today, why slag them off when there’s so many other, much shittier bands out there”?

Well, I can say that I’ve observed the career of the likes of Watain since they were self-proclaimed underground heroes (from about the year 2000 kids) and although their debut work was admirable in intent and ambition, it was still miles from the cohesive and stark brilliance of a Mayhem or Immortal (both heavily referenced throughout “Rabid Death’s Curse”).

And from there, it went downhill. Badly. And it seems people don’t want to accept this rather sad reality. Many needy people out there apparently want to believe that the era of Watain is a new golden age for black metal. Perhaps they feel they missed out because they weren’t around in the early 90′s, or want to relive their youth.

It’s a bit like with the proto-emo singer Morrissey, the singer whose fanatical fans project onto him their actual desire to see the Morrissey figure of his former band The Smiths and not the paunchy and boring Morrissey of 2010. Such is the case with Watain. “E” aka Erik has made a career out of fans projecting the ancient skin of Mayhem onto his tiresome Dissection-Swedecore.

In any case, let me ask you something, and I hope you ponder it as you listen to your latest kvltest black metal ever, or the latest br00tulest death metal ever, or whatever is flavour of the month right now.

WHY DO YOU LISTEN TO METAL? Seriously, think about it.  Is it because you like to keep up with the latest coolest bands? Do you like to consume everything new in the genre, whether you think it’s really all that great or not? Are you in fact, like a 17 year old prom queen in a clothes shop?

According to some, the likes of Watain are above criticism because they are “the best in the scene today” (which I wouldn’t agree with in any case). But you know, why support something at all if it isn’t truly great? Something isn’t good just because it’s less crap than everything else.

I suggest a shift in attitude is required. Being a metalhead, a hessian, a black metaller or whatever you want to call it, doesn’t mean you’re a constantly active consumer like some fat idiot in a shopping mall who needs all the latest gadgets/clothes/music all the time. Let’s face the harsh reality that most metal just isn’t very good, and that has always been the case, even more so today.

Praise the good, condemn and ignore the weak, even if this means not buying any new “exciting” CDs every month. Rediscover old classics that you missed or go back to the ones you love. Don’t sit there listening to the latest gimmicky garbage just because it’s new, trying to convince yourself that you enjoy it.

I listen to metal because the heights of the genre surpass or equal any other form of modern music out there. At once of the spiritual and the divine yet of the harshest denied reality, metal at its best takes the listener on a journey of many moods - triumph, fear, horror but always alive and coursing with energy. There’s probably only a couple of hundred albums out there of this quality, but who the hell needs more than 200 albums just so you can say you’re down with what the kids are listening to?

“Orthodox” black metal is very popular at the moment, though is rapidly reaching saturation point if it hasn’t already done so. The likes of Watain and Ondskapt have signed to major labels (relatively speaking, that is) and there are countless imitators of the imitators.

Scientists at the Ohio State Institute of Metal Fail have been studying this tiresome phenomenon since about 2004, and have discovered a succinct formula and breakdown of “orthodox” black metal (concentrating on the main Swedish exponents), which is as follows:

Dissection + Mayhem 1989-1993 + misused Latin + random bible quotes x “orthodox” image + 70′s heavy metal/rock + any old random shit (artist’s choice) = orthodox black metal.

The Institute’s experts have also calibrated a detailed breakdown of “orthodox” black metal in terms of percentages:

25% (the trve) Mayhem, 25% Dissection, 10% random shit, 20% image,  10% Marduk, 5% homosexuality, 5% tracing paper.

The scientists also noted that the percentage quota may vary slightly between individual bands, especially in the case of Mortuus (of Marduk) aka Arioch’s band Fragrant Mist, where the “random shit” percentage may be as high as 60-70%.

Dr. Marcus She-Ra, head of the Ohio State Institute of Metal Fail said: “Bands like Watain, Ondskapt and probably Ofermod, who started this whole thing in the first place, had a certain potential, but they did not live up to it. Our research indicates that these so-called ‘orthodox’ bands do not really understand how an album like ‘De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas’ is constructed and merely seek to emulate it in as simple a way as possible, adding other random elements to widen audience appeal or just because the artists are fucking idiots. In other words these bands know how to appeal to the aesthetic sensibilities of 2nd wave black metal fans, however musically they only graze the surface without ever attaining the heights of their influences. In short, I would say ‘orthodox’ black metal on the whole is nothing but a sham, creating a very marketable product sourced in the kvlty aura of former underground teen-idols like Watain, but having no deeper essence or meaning. It’s all about the image, baby.”

When asked, the Watain camp refused to comment on the research, but did state that they had a lot of merchandise available (beer bottle openers, belt buckles, fan boy picture disks for each member of the band etc), hilariously quoting the following from the Temple ov Watain website:

Remember that wearing Watain merchandise means showing your support towards a divine form of art that has been and will always be rightfully feared and hated by humanity. It is a sign of loyalty or belonging to the hungry ones, the fearless and feared, the enemies of the world as we know it. Support the War!