When Blasphemous of Veles said he preferred to write lyrics reflecting the harsh realities of existence rather than compose “fairytales about elves or knights and their cocks”, he could have been talking about an intertard black metal band I’ve unfortunately discovered called Moat.

Observe the following Moat lyrics (and I promise you these excerpts have not been edited or altered in any way, check Metal Archives for reference):

History shall be changed forever
Thoughts of darkness won’t leave his head
He leaves nothing for the better
Evil shall rule the land
So join him and take his hand
(The Knight’s Return)

So there’s this really evil knight dude, right? Probably all in black armour with red eyes glowing out of his shiny helmet and shit, and possibly a time-traveller as well according to the first nonsensical line. Sounds pretty kvlt, if not for the fact that he apparently minces about holding your hand while he commits all these badass knightly deeds. Thoughts of darkness won’t leave his head? Holding other men’s hands? What is he, an Aspie Emo Gorgoroth fan or something?

I summon upon thee
To misguide the light
I summon upon thee
To bring in the night
As the night begins to lose
The light withers away
There shall be no more moonlight
However, it shall return tomorrow to stay!
(As Moonlight Glows Over Murky Waters)

Make your bloody mind up! You summon some unnamed thing to bring in the night, but the night “loses” somehow yet the light withers away too? The light goes away, ok fine, that’s your typical black metal lyric, but even the moonlight? The moon is pretty kvlt you know, missed a trick there. But then it comes back again! TO STAY! Scary shit!

As I walk through the bleak forest of time
I see a troll chanting a rhyme
Upon my approach, he doesn’t seem to mind
What is the matter if I may ask
The time has come for you to pass….
(A Troll Led Me to my Demise)

Quite frankly, something like this is far beyond parody, though I suppose it must take a degree of talent to write in the style of a Downs syndrome child.

This article is vaguely inspired by an amusing forum post of an Anti-Humanism.com colleague, originally trolling an internet bedroom black metal retard called Pasha “Warharan” Kebabarab, who has a series of ridiculous “bands” with increasingly absurd names. Perhaps you’ve heard your friends laughing about them or read a flame war between Warharan and every other poster on a forum. They include the likes of Darkness Ravening, Achaemenid, Luftwaffe Raid, The Doctor (the almost inevitable debut album title: “The Doctor is In”) and of course, fucking Moat, with whom you’ve just become uncomfortably familiar with above.

Any one of these bands epitomises the worst of modern “black metal”. Taken as a whole, you’d almost believe it was some kind of joke like Nargaroth, but no. Has even Nargaroth sunk so low as to trawl myspace for desperate sluttish women to use as a poor gimmick by posing naked and “singing” for him? Or to release concept albums based around trash Hollywood films like Tom Hanks vehicle The ‘Burbs?

Warharan is comparable to Finnish scenester Werwolf of Satanic Warmaster, but even more laughable. Both of these clowns participate in “the scene” solely for the sake of participating and being seen to participate. They have nothing to say and have created absolutely nothing meaningful despite having about a million bands and side-projects between them.

The only difference is that, whereas Werwolf is a cunning businessman able to form a sellable kvlt product engineered to foster a status for himself amongst the dullards that mainly comprise black metal listeners nowadays, Warharan has no aesthetic sense (or indeed, common sense) whatsoever.

Imagine a child drawing a house. Poking his tongue out with concentration, he carefully puts the sky at the top – a narrow band of blue and a crude sun with little lines emanating from it underneath. Then comes the house, a couple of blue windows, red roof and maybe a little stick figure family arranged on either side. It has no relation to a real house apart from the fact that you can say, ‘it’s a house, badly drawn by a child’. It says nothing, it’s just a literal depiction of an object. Warharan makes music in a similar fashion. All you can say about it being: ‘someone has superficially observed black metal music and they have badly emulated it’. Werwolf of course would steal a more talented child’s drawing of a house and xerox it several times for kvlt.

At one time our talentless friend tried to be kvlt like Werwolf, releasing CDR albums entitled “As Night sets over ARYANA” (ooh, you racist!) at the height of the NS trend (swiftly followed by Luftwaffe Raid, arf arf) and Moat’s generic classic taken from the reject bin of overused directionless kvlt: “Black Fucking Metal”. He proudly presented these turds to the users of various forums and to his incredulity was mocked mercilessly. With his scenester aspirations dead in the water, he laughed it off (though he was crying behind the monitor) and began taking a different, uniquely stupid approach to his (f)art: ‘well I didn’t mean it anyway, being kvlt is gay’.

And now I understand from the official Moat myspace (as if there would be a fan site) that Warharan’s changing Moat’s name to the kvltier moniker of “Naturgeist”. WoooOOOoooOOOOOooooo!!!! Scareee! Not just a ghost…a NATURE ghost! Perhaps the ghost of a fallen tree, haunting the forest until it avenges itself on those it holds responsible: soil erosion and a strong gust of wind. Of course Warharan had to wait a reasonable amount of time to prevent his losing face and caving in to the obvious fact that Moat is a stupid name for a band of any genre.

I leave you now with the original forum commentary (slightly edited for context) that inspired this little article:

Hey Warharan, about that lovely picture/avatar of yourself. What is it supposed to do? Are we supposed to laugh? Be scared? Be impressed? Frankly you look like a real idiot. I can picture the scene though:

Once the corpsepaint is applied, you walk smartly up to the mirror and give yourself a once over. You practice a few grimaces before achieving the “right” look. You hold your hands up in the air ala Werwolf of Satanic Warmaster or maybe a spastic t-rex, but decide against it. You smile once or twice to see how it looks to smile in corpsepaint, then you get serious again. Stepping away from the mirror, you start to wish you had some kvlt props like a swastika flag or candles to pose with, but you think the swastika is an insult to your arabic race, and the candles are just too dangerous. Finally you grab the camera and with trembling hands take a couple of photos.

You quickly run to the computer and upload the images. In one of them you’re looking a bit gay, and in the other one you’re looking really gay. So you take the gay one and photoshop it a bit to reduce colours to b&w (as your neck is arabic brown and isn’t very black metal) and to edit out the arm holding the camera. Finally you upload it to your forum profile and smile to yourself. Now with every post you make, your grimness will be plain for everyone to see and admire. “Yes”, they will say, “that’s Warharan, of Moat”.

You utter retard.