Not satisfied with not killing a drug-crazed armed robber in a Clint Eastwood style convenience store shootout (as reported elsewhere), Malevolent Creation guitarist Phil Fasciana now claims to have destroyed an entire PLANET!

Speaking to us via phone in a deep, muffled voice and breathing heavily, Fasciana announced that he wanted to be referred to as “Darth Fasciana”, and that he was even channelling the Dark Side of the Force to create the most evil death metal album ever.

According to the truth-dodging death metaller, he was standing on the bridge of his Toyota Deathstar when his communications officer received a transmission from a nearby planet. “I was giving orders for the navigation officer to set a course for the Intergalactic Grocerystore for some tampons” he lied, “when we got an urgent distress call. Apparently a horde of crack-addict Ewoks was attacking an Imperial outpost with little nigga spears and rap music, led by Max Cavalera, the leader of the rebel alliance.”

The fork-tongued guitarist continued: “obviously as the Emperor’s servant and a rabid death metaller, I’m a pretty fucked up dude. I’ve been in loads of hardcore life and death situations before and I played a really hard guitar solo once as well, so this was nothing to someone like me.”

“I considered sending an elite force of Stormtroopers down to the planet’s surface to support the outpost, but as my mom will tell you, I’m a pretty brutal motherfucker so I fired up the Deathstar’s VVT-I, 16 valve engine and blew the whole fucking planet up instead” he bullshitted. “It was pretty messy, but I have no remorse for Cavalera at all. Or his stupid Ewoks. Or the outpost I was supposed to be helping. Look, I’m an American, you have to allow for a bit of collateral damage.”  

“Anyway the Emperor said it didn’t matter too much and didn’t want to make big deal out of it. He said I could even have my own custom built pimped up Tie-Fighter if I wanted, all in black to match my outfit. Never in my life have I lied about anything as stupid as this before, but I really had to stop that dreadlocked twat Cavalera from overtaking the outpost. Not to mention stopping him making any more music, that alone was worth killing several billion people in a cataclysmic Toyota powered holocaust. Ha Ha!”

In related news, it’s been reported that the bounty hunter Glen Benton from Deicide died after falling into a gigantic vagina in the desert. There are unconfirmed reports that Profanatica’s Paul Ledney slammed the huge vagina as “disgusting”, before saving Princess Frost (the really queer one out of Satyricon) from a slobbering, enormously fat Imperial the Pizza Hutt out of Krieg.