Yes, it’s back and worse than ever before… it’s the return of the retarded search terms!

Since the last post on this fascinating insight into the minds of the multitudinous web-peasants who stumble across the noble e-moat of Antihumanism.com, we’ve collected dozens more classic gems of genuine retardation for your enjoyment pleasure. As tempting as it may be for us to make a few up, there’s really no need when you read through some of these!

So without further ado, here’s a little selection of the “best” we received recently:

Fenriz girlfriend (yes, teenage girls and boys are still obsessed with knowing if their fave black metal superstar is taken, or like, totally available!)

Mortuus girlfriend (just give it up already, he’s just so out of your league! If the music of Fragrant Mist is anything to go by, he’ll bore you to death anyway, trying to be “crazy” and random)

Darkness is my only friend black metal (the emos have arrived! Or possibly the goths. Exterminate them all)

Can I delete facebook (what, the whole site? You have to admire this guy’s ambition)

Mayhem dead cake (who wouldn’t want a birthday cake with Dead’s brains painted on it in red food dye?)

Euronymous mayhem cake (somewhere, there’s a kid jumping up and down with excitement at mommy’s food dye rendition of Euronymous’ corpsepainted face on icing)

Black metal with mosh breakdowns (sigh…)

Satyricon hermaphrodite (kind of an obvious and unsurprising one, but still amusing)

Vagina being fisted pictures (how would this lead them to Antihumanism.com, I wonder? I’m sure one of our many admirers will chime in to let us know)

What the fuck is humanism? (Can you actually imagine the type of person who would be so frustrated by their inability to understand the concept of something that they actually type “what the fuck is humanism?” into a search engine as if angrily shouting at God after a bad day at the extermination camp administration offices?)

That’s it for now, I’m sure there’ll be more soon. TREMBLE IN TREPIDATION FOR OUR WRATH SHALL BE TERRIBLE AND UNPLEASANT.

Someone was telling me the other day how “great” the death metal band Morbid from Sweden were. Of course everyone knows about them and has probably heard their “December Moon” demo. This is because the infamous and revered Dead performed the vocals and possibly, at a push, because it features soon-to-be members of Entombed.

But Morbid, even on this “cult classic” recording are far too “rock” oriented, too simplistic to be a great band (or even to really show hints of being one), despite the easy charm of the songs and the mostly excellent and unearthly vocal performance of Mr Dead. Indeed, Ohlin was recruited into Mayhem on the strength of his performance here, as Attila later would be from his work on Tormentor’s “Anno Domini”. It was apparent that the obvious talents of Dead would be better utilised elsewhere.

Later Morbid material (after Dead left) moved further in this rock driven direction, and Entombed would eventually move even further into good old rock ‘n’ roll before being consumed by it utterly.

So ultimately we’re left with a decent(ish) and somehow quaintly enjoyable but otherwise totally forgettable recording, made famous and selling many copies merely by virtue of the iconic status of one of its more talented contributors.

And then there’s Burzum’s new album, “Belus”.

A lot has already been written and said about Vikernes’ comeback album and without exception it all comes back to his previous, undisputed classic albums of the black metal genre, the likes of “Det Som Engang Var” and ”Hvis Lyset Tar Oss”.

Without doubt, Vikernes is an iconic leading figure in black metal and the monumental status that Burzum maintains within underground metal means that any new work he creates, especially after a gap of many years, will cause angry and heated debate as to its merits, or lack of.

Now let’s be brutally honest, “Belus” isn’t great. It’s barely even good. It certainly isn’t the equal of any of the previous albums (no, not even the ambient works, you philistines).

Let’s also get something straight, I really wanted to like this album. At a time when almost nothing of real quality is released anymore, I desperately wanted this album to be something special, for it to have the almost magical power of being able to transport the listener to fantastic realms of imagination, to take you on a mysterious journey of unexpected discoveries as the music gradually unravelled.

All that I found in “Det Som Engang Var”. It was only with a reluctant, grudging realisation that I found this was not the case with “Belus”. As much as I wanted to love this new album, I couldn’t find it in myself to pretend that it’s somehow as good or even better than his previous works. 

For a band like Taake, whose music verges on the sweetly fluid emo-melodious side of black metal, “Belus” would be a good album. For any band playing what people mockingly call norsecore, “Belus” would be a good album. And when I say “good”, I only mean in terms relative to the bands in question.

But when we talk about Burzum, listening to “Belus” is a bit like opening a fine bottle of a good vintage champagne and finding it filled with cheap lemonade. And no amount of self-delusion on the part of disappointed fans can hide that.

“Orthodox” black metal is very popular at the moment, though is rapidly reaching saturation point if it hasn’t already done so. The likes of Watain and Ondskapt have signed to major labels (relatively speaking, that is) and there are countless imitators of the imitators.

Scientists at the Ohio State Institute of Metal Fail have been studying this tiresome phenomenon since about 2004, and have discovered a succinct formula and breakdown of “orthodox” black metal (concentrating on the main Swedish exponents), which is as follows:

Dissection + Mayhem 1989-1993 + misused Latin + random bible quotes x “orthodox” image + 70’s heavy metal/rock + any old random shit (artist’s choice) = orthodox black metal.

The Institute’s experts have also calibrated a detailed breakdown of “orthodox” black metal in terms of percentages:

25% (the trve) Mayhem, 25% Dissection, 10% random shit, 20% image,  10% Marduk, 5% homosexuality, 5% tracing paper.

The scientists also noted that the percentage quota may vary slightly between individual bands, especially in the case of Mortuus (of Marduk) aka Arioch’s band Fragrant Mist, where the “random shit” percentage may be as high as 60-70%.

Dr. Marcus She-Ra, head of the Ohio State Institute of Metal Fail said: “Bands like Watain, Ondskapt and probably Ofermod, who started this whole thing in the first place, had a certain potential, but they did not live up to it. Our research indicates that these so-called ‘orthodox’ bands do not really understand how an album like ‘De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas’ is constructed and merely seek to emulate it in as simple a way as possible, adding other random elements to widen audience appeal or just because the artists are fucking idiots. In other words these bands know how to appeal to the aesthetic sensibilities of 2nd wave black metal fans, however musically they only graze the surface without ever attaining the heights of their influences. In short, I would say ‘orthodox’ black metal on the whole is nothing but a sham, creating a very marketable product sourced in the kvlty aura of former underground teen-idols like Watain, but having no deeper essence or meaning. It’s all about the image, baby.”

When asked, the Watain camp refused to comment on the research, but did state that they had a lot of merchandise available (beer bottle openers, belt buckles, fan boy picture disks for each member of the band etc), hilariously quoting the following from the Temple ov Watain website:

Remember that wearing Watain merchandise means showing your support towards a divine form of art that has been and will always be rightfully feared and hated by humanity. It is a sign of loyalty or belonging to the hungry ones, the fearless and feared, the enemies of the world as we know it. Support the War!

German born artist Johann Joachim Püschel claims that the designer of Mayhem’s iconic logo plagiarised a detail from his work, The Keeper of the Infernal City, that he engraved way back in the mid 18th century.

During a chance encounter with founding member Euronymous in the afterlife, Püschel recognised the batwings on the deceased guitarist’s Mayhem logo t-shirt as being eerily familiar.

He told us: “I saw zis strange longhaired midget standink in ze dark corner of der avterlife with ein schwarz candle all drippink wax on his hand. He vass vearing a garment of clothink emblazoned with vot looked like ein detail from mein artvork. I demanded to be knowink from vhere he haf obtained der garment from. Der svine dropped der schwarz candle und ran avay screamink like ein girl.”

The dead kraut artist continued, “but then I am bumpink into notorious evil kinder vinkle-touchink dancer Michael Jackson, who ist tellink me der logo was ov his favourite musik group – ein schwarz metals band from Norvay called Mayhem.” 

Speaking from his ivy and moss covered grave yesterday, Püschel’s badly decomposed skeleton slammed the cult black metal band: “das designer of der Mayhem logo haf totally ripped off mein engravink of a demon that I haf painstakingly engraved in der year of der lord 1755. If you are lookink closely, der wings are almost exackly der same. Ach! The svinehund!”

Having recruited a lawyer specialising in back-from-the-dead-artist-and-underground-metal-band-logo-plagiarism claims to represent his case, Püschel now hopes to get his bony hands on several ten’s of euros backdated to the mid-1980’s which he believes are owed to him.

In response, the original designer of Mayhem’s logo, “Nella”, issued a flustered statement from his woodland cabin in Norway: “This is complete bullshit, I have no idea who the hell this Johann dude even is and I’ve never met this Keeper of the Infernal City guy either. Anyway how can he sue me or Mayhem if he’s dead? Things might be different in the afterlife and Germany but there’s a law against that in Norway.”

A spokesman for Mayhem’s record label told us that the band were too drunk on their own sense of self-satisfied smugness and artistic bankruptcy to make any comment on the subject whatsoever, though it’s understood that Hellhammer confirmed he would indeed play the drums “for any cunt wot asks me, yeah?”

However, a representative of the Centre for Hessian Studies defended the adaptation of the 18th century artwork in Mayhem’s logo: “metal music like that of the old Mayhem (pre-1994) harks back to a time before the comfortable and safe plastic world of today. Like Püschel’s engraving, it depicts and even glorifies the horrific and fantastic to stimulate our dormant imaginations and so that we might remember to appreciate existence to its fullest extent, no matter how harsh the reality may be.”