American metal bands Dawnbringer and Nightbringer are locked in a bitter dispute over whether night or day should be “brought”.

Nightbringer mainman Naas Alcameth claimed that any self-respecting metalhead would probably prefer night over day and that the argument was completely nonsensical anyway.

“We’re prepared to have a fistfight over it though” he said yesterday.

In response, Dawnbringer guitarist Scott Hoffman took up Alcameth’s challenge.

“The fight is on, man! We ain’t scared of no pussies in goth makeup. They only want to bring the night so it’s harder to see how gay they look. Or so it’s easier to bum other men in bushes 24/7. We’re bringing the dawn in boys, yeehaa!”

Whatever the outcome of the hastily arranged duel, a dozen or so bands called Stormbringer also waded into the debate this morning. Generic Black, spokesman for the loose coalition of identically monikered bands issued a statement at a press conference earlier today.

“Be it night or day that wins out, we, the Stormbringers will still be there to rain on them. And maybe thunder a bit. So whatever happens, we win by sheer force of numbers. And if the Plaguebringers think they can get up to their usual pestilence spreading mischief, they’re sadly mistaken. The Doombringers let their tyres down. And the Deathbringers too.”

“Oh, and as to the Warbringers, I say… bring it on!” he quipped.

The Nightbringer vs. Dawnbringer fight is due to take place in a forest clearing somewhere in Pennsylvania at exactly 02:00am next Sunday. The event is free, but you must bring your own dawn with you so as the combatants can see each other.

Former members of defunct black metal band Night Conquers Day have been barred from attending the event and will not be allowed entry. Erik of Watain is also barred due to height restrictions. And also because he’s a lame twat.

Scooby and the gang were taking vacation in Sweden. As usual, Scooby and Shaggy had wandered off by themselves and were about to get into some spooky trouble at the local recording studio!

“Say Scoobs, why’s that freaky dude over there like staring at us like that?”

“Rhy ron’t row Rhaggy!”

“Zoiks! He’s coming over!”

Scooby shook nervously all over as a creepy looking midget with long, badly dyed, greasy hair approached the two friends.

“What are you two doing here?” he said in a high pitched and rather gay voice.

Laughing in that rather irritating way that he does, Shaggy scratched his head as he replied, “Like, I don’t know, we just got like lost I guess, we’ll be on our way! Sorry!”

“Rhat’s right! Rorry!”

“Wait a minute. If you want you can come in and watch us playing one of our new songs. You see, my name’s Erik and I play in a really happening black metal group called Watain. In fact, it’s the most evil and blasphemous band ever!”

Scooby placed his paws over his eyes as Erik bustled the two chums into the recording studio. Inside, a fat man was sweating behind the mixing desk and was pale with fright.

“W-who are th-these g-g-guys Erik?” he said in a terrified voice.

“Just some… aquaintances of mine” he said with an evil cackle, “they’ve come to listen to our latest black metal record! Bwa hahaha! It’s the most evil and darkest and sataniest album ever recorded! It’s going to destroy the whole world! Hahahaha!!!!”

As Scooby and Shaggy watched, Erik ordered the fearful record producer to play back one of the songs off their latest album “Lawless Darkness”.

“Rhaggy! Ro romething!” Scooby howled in terror.

“Like, I don’t know what to do old buddy! We’re like, doomed!”

Suddenly the music began to play at deafening volume. Scooby and Shaggy cowered, then slowly uncovered their eyes and looked at each other in bewilderment.

“Rhaggy, rhat’s rappening?”

“I don’t know Scoobs, this music like, totally sucks! It’s just lame rock/heavy metal music with harsh vocals. It sounds like a Judas Priest tribute act performed by a bunch of like, Down’s Syndrome children or something.”

Erik angrily slammed his little fists on the mixing desk and tried to run out the door, but tripping over his ego, he fell flat on his face and was held down by several police officers who appeared out of nowhere.

“Well done you two” said one of the senior officers, “we’ve been watching this little villain for a while now. If you hadn’t stopped him, this crap would be all over MTV by now.”

One of the police officers grabbed Erik’s head and pulled upwards. His face stretched until his face came off altogether.

“Zoiks! Scoobs! It’s like, Blacky Lawless out of WASP!”

“That’s right! I used the kvlty trappings of underground black metal to pass off terrible music on moronic people who don’t know any better. And I would have got away with it too, if it wasn’t for you pesky kids.”

“Like, what’ll happen to him now chief?” Shaggy asked the senior officer as Blacky was led away.

“Don’t you kids worry, we’re going to take him out to the woods and shoot him in the back of the neck.”

“Well Scoobs, I guess that’s what you get for being a Lawless Blacky (Darkness)! Ha ha! I don’t know, make your own lame ending joke up.”

“Scooby dooby dooooo!”