Yet again it’s been brought to our attention that Fenriz is still cut up about Antihumanism.com’s strong criticism of “new” Darkthrone.

In the official Darkthrone myspace blog, he says:

anyone remember that lowlife who took a month of his spare time just to make a FAKE dakthrone mini-site with fake album cover and fake songs? well, let’s just say if I was like that guy, I understand why he is ANTI-HUMAN, HAHAHAHA!!

Official Darkthrone myspace blog

Fenriz mate, it took about 5 minutes all in all. If I remember correctly, the guy who made the “fake” song (though it was at least as “good” as your current ”official” material) spent less than an hour making it.

It seems that you’re still pissed at us because so many people thought our parody was REAL (the thread at the Nuclear War Now forum was especially hilarious before it was deleted) and that must have really hurt your ego…

The mysterious Nodnol Tohder, who allegedly did the typesetting for Emperor’s 1994 classic album “In the Nightside Eclipse” layout (see the original booklet liner notes, or google him) does not actually exist!

Read back to front, Nodnol Tohder = Redhot London, and is the name of a gay strip club in Norway where Samoth (owner of the record label NAP) discovered future signing Limbonic Art, who were the house band at the time!

Next week: Frost of Satyricon reveals the professional make-up techniques used for the band photos in “Nemesis Divina” and tells us of his agonizing decision to endorse Rimmel lipstick instead of Zildjian cymbals!!!

Someone was telling me the other day how “great” the death metal band Morbid from Sweden were. Of course everyone knows about them and has probably heard their “December Moon” demo. This is because the infamous and revered Dead performed the vocals and possibly, at a push, because it features soon-to-be members of Entombed.

But Morbid, even on this “cult classic” recording are far too “rock” oriented, too simplistic to be a great band (or even to really show hints of being one), despite the easy charm of the songs and the mostly excellent and unearthly vocal performance of Mr Dead. Indeed, Ohlin was recruited into Mayhem on the strength of his performance here, as Attila later would be from his work on Tormentor’s “Anno Domini”. It was apparent that the obvious talents of Dead would be better utilised elsewhere.

Later Morbid material (after Dead left) moved further in this rock driven direction, and Entombed would eventually move even further into good old rock ‘n’ roll before being consumed by it utterly.

So ultimately we’re left with a decent(ish) and somehow quaintly enjoyable but otherwise totally forgettable recording, made famous and selling many copies merely by virtue of the iconic status of one of its more talented contributors.

And then there’s Burzum’s new album, “Belus”.

A lot has already been written and said about Vikernes’ comeback album and without exception it all comes back to his previous, undisputed classic albums of the black metal genre, the likes of “Det Som Engang Var” and ”Hvis Lyset Tar Oss”.

Without doubt, Vikernes is an iconic leading figure in black metal and the monumental status that Burzum maintains within underground metal means that any new work he creates, especially after a gap of many years, will cause angry and heated debate as to its merits, or lack of.

Now let’s be brutally honest, “Belus” isn’t great. It’s barely even good. It certainly isn’t the equal of any of the previous albums (no, not even the ambient works, you philistines).

Let’s also get something straight, I really wanted to like this album. At a time when almost nothing of real quality is released anymore, I desperately wanted this album to be something special, for it to have the almost magical power of being able to transport the listener to fantastic realms of imagination, to take you on a mysterious journey of unexpected discoveries as the music gradually unravelled.

All that I found in “Det Som Engang Var”. It was only with a reluctant, grudging realisation that I found this was not the case with “Belus”. As much as I wanted to love this new album, I couldn’t find it in myself to pretend that it’s somehow as good or even better than his previous works. 

For a band like Taake, whose music verges on the sweetly fluid emo-melodious side of black metal, “Belus” would be a good album. For any band playing what people mockingly call norsecore, “Belus” would be a good album. And when I say “good”, I only mean in terms relative to the bands in question.

But when we talk about Burzum, listening to “Belus” is a bit like opening a fine bottle of a good vintage champagne and finding it filled with cheap lemonade. And no amount of self-delusion on the part of disappointed fans can hide that.

“Orthodox” black metal is very popular at the moment, though is rapidly reaching saturation point if it hasn’t already done so. The likes of Watain and Ondskapt have signed to major labels (relatively speaking, that is) and there are countless imitators of the imitators.

Scientists at the Ohio State Institute of Metal Fail have been studying this tiresome phenomenon since about 2004, and have discovered a succinct formula and breakdown of “orthodox” black metal (concentrating on the main Swedish exponents), which is as follows:

Dissection + Mayhem 1989-1993 + misused Latin + random bible quotes x “orthodox” image + 70’s heavy metal/rock + any old random shit (artist’s choice) = orthodox black metal.

The Institute’s experts have also calibrated a detailed breakdown of “orthodox” black metal in terms of percentages:

25% (the trve) Mayhem, 25% Dissection, 10% random shit, 20% image,  10% Marduk, 5% homosexuality, 5% tracing paper.

The scientists also noted that the percentage quota may vary slightly between individual bands, especially in the case of Mortuus (of Marduk) aka Arioch’s band Fragrant Mist, where the “random shit” percentage may be as high as 60-70%.

Dr. Marcus She-Ra, head of the Ohio State Institute of Metal Fail said: “Bands like Watain, Ondskapt and probably Ofermod, who started this whole thing in the first place, had a certain potential, but they did not live up to it. Our research indicates that these so-called ‘orthodox’ bands do not really understand how an album like ‘De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas’ is constructed and merely seek to emulate it in as simple a way as possible, adding other random elements to widen audience appeal or just because the artists are fucking idiots. In other words these bands know how to appeal to the aesthetic sensibilities of 2nd wave black metal fans, however musically they only graze the surface without ever attaining the heights of their influences. In short, I would say ‘orthodox’ black metal on the whole is nothing but a sham, creating a very marketable product sourced in the kvlty aura of former underground teen-idols like Watain, but having no deeper essence or meaning. It’s all about the image, baby.”

When asked, the Watain camp refused to comment on the research, but did state that they had a lot of merchandise available (beer bottle openers, belt buckles, fan boy picture disks for each member of the band etc), hilariously quoting the following from the Temple ov Watain website:

Remember that wearing Watain merchandise means showing your support towards a divine form of art that has been and will always be rightfully feared and hated by humanity. It is a sign of loyalty or belonging to the hungry ones, the fearless and feared, the enemies of the world as we know it. Support the War!

It was a cold, misty morning, and Johan Lahger entered his dark and mouldy woodland bedroom deep within the depths of somewhere or other in Sweden.

He turned his moss-covered laptop on and plucked his New York Yankees baseball cap from his head. On a shelf above his desk, next to a radio controlled Dalek toy, lay his legendary troll mask, buried beneath almost 10 years of dust.

In the blue green glare of the Microsoft Windows logo, Johan reverently lifted the garishly painted papier-mache mask and attached it to his grinning face. Johan had magickally transformed into his infamous stage persona. He was once again the almighty SHAMAATAE!!!

“Fuck, the elastic’s really tight, I must have put on weight” he muttered as finally he logged on, scratching thoughtfully at his crotch.

Ding!  Aha, an email had arrived! Shamaatae (for it was he) clicked on the icon and read with impatience the typo-ridden news from his record label. The artwork for Arckanum’s comeback album, “ÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞ” was ready at last. Excellent! He quickly downloaded the image files, the Great God Pan helping them speed through the okkultik broadband in a digital dance of flowing 0’s and 1’s.

“What the flying FUCK!??!!!?!!” Shamaatae gasped as he gazed upon the projected front cover of his forthcoming album. Instead of eleven Þ runes invoking some kind of mysticness, a crudely photoshopped line of plain old alphabet “p’s” had been hastily pasted across the bottom of the cover.

The woodland troll grabbed his i-phone and immediately rang the label boss.

“Hell-o? Johan?” came the cheery answer.

“It’s Shamaatae actually, I’ve got the mask on. I’ve just received your email with the cover art…”

“What d’you think? Looks good eh?”

The troll huffed. “No it bloody well does NOT. You’ve totally fucked up. I wanted a little line of RUNES for the album title, you’ve just put a load of sodding p’s on there!”

“Yeah I had some trouble with that, I don’t really know how to type runes. It took me 6 years to find out how to do umlauts for christ’s sake. I thought using p’s was a good compromise.”

“But those fucking little p’s don’t have any occult significance you fuckhead! What mystic relevance do a line of p’s add up to? It looks like something from Sesame Street!”

“Look I’m sorry alright? How about I just remove the lettering altogether? It’ll look better like that, I promise. Okay?”

“Okay. Good then,” sulked the mighty troll.

“Just one other thing. The CD pressing plant called this morning. They’re not able to spread the tracks over 11 CDs like you wanted…”

“Oh for fuck’s sake!!!! I knew I should have gone with Osmose! Those guys have custom keyboards with “666” keys so you don’t even need to press “6” three times! AND they know how to do runes AND sodding umlauts too!”  

Shamaatae hung up and threw his i-phone across the desk.

Snap! The elastic holding the troll mask onto Johan’s face snapped and Shamaatae fell lifeless to the floor. The raging troll had turned back into mild-mannered Johan once more.

“Bollocks, the sun’s come up” observed Johan ruefully as Shamaatae’s grotesque features grimaced up at him.

“Oh well,” Johan sighed as he reached up, carefully pulling another rubber mask down from his shelf, “I’ve still got you Ronald.”

He attached the rubber, factorymade mask to his face and squinted through the eyeholes into an ornate trollish mirror. Ronald McDonald stared back.

“I’ve gots me some hamburgling to be a foilin’!”

If, like me, you consider that the genres of black metal and grunge have little in common besides key figures in both having blown their heads off with shotguns, you may be surprised to learn that a project exists claiming to mix those disparate music forms together.

Or probably, you wont be surprised in the least, if considering the fact that almost every single other music genre has by now been incorporated into a bastardised gimmick-laden form of black metal disguised as unique originality by some clueless hivemind drone peons hoping to gain their 15 minutes of fame.

Well without further ado, here’s what I’ve been building up to, it’s my fail of the week: Ea, Lord of the Tapes (that’s the cutest, most self-referential, ironic and hipsterish label name I’ve heard in a while) release #1: HØST (on kvltsette of corpse!).

Here’s the record label (I don’t know why I call it a record label, it’s just some bored dude with a tape deck who wants to be part of something, anything, to stave off existential fears of the futility of existence) description:

By mixing the sounds of grunge and black metal together, they end up having a very unique and incredibly fresh sound. This 7 track, self titled album is full of RIFFS, catchy bass lines, rockin’ drums, and Burzum grunts. This is black-’n-roll at its finest.

If you like black metal but you want something entirely different, check out HØST.

Oh dear. Take a minute to fully digest this abominable description. Maybe do a few bench presses or go for a quick run to stave off those horrible homosexual vibes from ruining your morning.

If I liked black metal but wanted something entirely different, I guess I’d listen to music that still had the same spirit communicated through different means. I’d try Dead Can Dance or Tangerine Dream or a myriad of classical composers. Not Kurt Cobain with corpsepaint.

KILL ALL HIPSTERS.

Yep, exclusive to Antihumanism.com, we’ve got the skinny on Darkthrone’s new audio turd.

See below for a full track from their new album, “Total Deaf” (uploaded to youtube for convenience and so you won’t have this crap saved onto your hard drive).

Tracklisting:

1. No feelings (no ideas)
2. Nostalgic nerd
3. Rehashed trash
4. Mailsorting post office punks
5. Park benches and cheap slags
6. Fuck Off and Buy
7. Total contempt, norse norse norse

Lyric excerpt:

“No Feelings (No Ideas)” from the album “Total Deaf” (Peaceville 2009)

No feelings inhabit my dark soul
No feelings, just Rock ’n’ Roll
I can’t think of anything to say
But I’ll fucking say it anyway
…
No feelings
Dead inside
No feelings
Like I died
No feelings
Hide the tears
No feelings
No ideas

Thanks to Cargést

Some of you may sadly remember a highly derivative and tedious US black metal band called Ritual who released some stuff on Wild Rags a few years back. Probably most of you who’ve actually heard of them only know them through a Xasthur cover version, which was just as dreary as the original.

At the time of their activity the band were derided for their laughable attempts to not only copy the Norwegian bands in sound, but also in action. But whereas the Norwegian bands made supreme music and burned churches, Ritual only made dire music that had next to no connection with the music of Immortal, Burzum et al beyond shallow surface aesthetic, paving the way for hordes of other hopeless “me too” black metal. And their “heinous, shocking crime” that they still make so much of today was to merely spray graffiti on a church like some retarded ghetto kid from a broken home.  

Anyway, we got wind recently (a distinctly pooey wind) that the mediocre fools were back in action, and trying to reinvent the past with themselves as some sort of “cult” and “legendary” band, ho ho. So it seemed only right that we subject them to our usual rigorous interview process!

1) Are you still spraypainting churches in a rather dismal attempt at emulating the Norwegians?

(A) If I were to vandalize churches these days. I would spray paint violent bible passages so that believers would question the insanity of the book they follow. True Satanism/Luciferianism is a spiritual rebellion and not against Christians, but rather the restrictions placed on the mind by their beliefs. We seek to transform the individual through magick into something better. The Norwegian kings sold out for more wealth and their mothers were tired of seeing their sons killed in battle. Returning to their Pagan past would never work because they would sell out again.

2) I take it you’re working on new material, is it as boring and generic as the debut?

(A) Generic compared to what? The sell out Life Metal being released every week! Ritual’s debut is considered a classic. You obvioulsy were not around to appreciate it back in the day and compare to the countless clone bands of today. The new material will be unlike anything heard as it follows no rulebook and brings many new sounds and atmospheres into the songcraft.

3) Are you going to keep making a big deal out of the vague Xasthur connection for promotional purposes and so as to interest hipsters in your music?

(A) Hipsters are fair weather fans and we don’t have enough emo parts to our music for them so no. Xasthur has covered Ritual and has been a friend for 15 years. We simply listed every ex member of the band and their work outside of the band so no one would bitch. Are you a fan or an internet tough guy? I’ve faced numerous attempts on my life in prison and would gladly print my address for you to ask me these questions in person if you’d like.

4) Are you going to fix the Ritual logo so that it actually works on a black background? The wing is fucked at the moment because you’ve just made it a negative image, you see.

(A) That is the site created by Ian Fleming (guitarist). I’m not aware of the wing being fucked up but I will take a look at it. Are you going to fix your myspace page and add more than 24 people and post a picture of yourself so I can buy you a drink when we meet? I’m sure this is some jealous asshole from the past who never made any music of his own.

5) Any last words?

(A) Do you have any last words?

Well, seeing as you ask:

1) Don’t believe the inevitable hype kids, Ritual’s debut was NEVER considered a classic album. Sure, it gained them a brief popularity due to being in the right place at the right time (the mid-90s when black metal became increasingly popular and therefore eventually populist in outlook, and in the relatively black metal-free US). Ritual were one of the earliest bands from the US to start cloning the Norwegians and they even failed at that. Ritual were soon forgotten once I Shalt Become achieved Ritual’s pathetically low ambitions far more successfully. People who knew the US underground at that time were aware of acts like Havohej and Profanatica, you know, bands that actually had their own voice and good music and stuff. So Ritual were ever so slightly redundant even then.
The band later came back to people’s attention after a Xasthur cover version, much like how Nargaroth brought a couple of forgotten mediocre bands like Lord Foul into the kvlt limelight. They were quickly forgotten again however, as the music was DULL and BORING.

2) Accusing us of being “internet toughguys” seems a bit rich coming from someone who goes on to utter this classic of keyboard warriorism: “I’ve faced numerous attempts on my life in prison and would gladly print my address for you to ask me these questions in person if you’d like.”

3) You’d think someone stupid enough to spraypaint their own band logo on a church and expect not to get caught would be somewhat embarrassed of their actions. But not Ritual, they’ve tried to build a career out of it. Hilariously, the official Ritual myspace now classes the band as “Criminal Black Metal”, even going so far as to print t-shirts bearing this idiotic slogan. Yo nigga, Ritual in da house!!! We done time for dat badass spraypaint job we did on a church! Dat makes us fuckin’ tuff!!!! And not at all stoopid! Hip hop gangsta black metuhl muthafuckas!!!!

A representative of the band then contacted us again with a further message with a link to the Ritual myspace page, as if to placate us or make us change our minds:

“This is the real Ritual page established by the creator of the band Robert 1993. Ian has created a page of his own and may write music here and there as he is busy with other projects non related to Black Metal. New Ritual music is on display here. If you don’t like it so be it.”

Amen!

German born artist Johann Joachim Püschel claims that the designer of Mayhem’s iconic logo plagiarised a detail from his work, The Keeper of the Infernal City, that he engraved way back in the mid 18th century.

During a chance encounter with founding member Euronymous in the afterlife, Püschel recognised the batwings on the deceased guitarist’s Mayhem logo t-shirt as being eerily familiar.

He told us: “I saw zis strange longhaired midget standink in ze dark corner of der avterlife with ein schwarz candle all drippink wax on his hand. He vass vearing a garment of clothink emblazoned with vot looked like ein detail from mein artvork. I demanded to be knowink from vhere he haf obtained der garment from. Der svine dropped der schwarz candle und ran avay screamink like ein girl.”

The dead kraut artist continued, “but then I am bumpink into notorious evil kinder vinkle-touchink dancer Michael Jackson, who ist tellink me der logo was ov his favourite musik group – ein schwarz metals band from Norvay called Mayhem.” 

Speaking from his ivy and moss covered grave yesterday, Püschel’s badly decomposed skeleton slammed the cult black metal band: “das designer of der Mayhem logo haf totally ripped off mein engravink of a demon that I haf painstakingly engraved in der year of der lord 1755. If you are lookink closely, der wings are almost exackly der same. Ach! The svinehund!”

Having recruited a lawyer specialising in back-from-the-dead-artist-and-underground-metal-band-logo-plagiarism claims to represent his case, Püschel now hopes to get his bony hands on several ten’s of euros backdated to the mid-1980’s which he believes are owed to him.

In response, the original designer of Mayhem’s logo, “Nella”, issued a flustered statement from his woodland cabin in Norway: “This is complete bullshit, I have no idea who the hell this Johann dude even is and I’ve never met this Keeper of the Infernal City guy either. Anyway how can he sue me or Mayhem if he’s dead? Things might be different in the afterlife and Germany but there’s a law against that in Norway.”

A spokesman for Mayhem’s record label told us that the band were too drunk on their own sense of self-satisfied smugness and artistic bankruptcy to make any comment on the subject whatsoever, though it’s understood that Hellhammer confirmed he would indeed play the drums “for any cunt wot asks me, yeah?”

However, a representative of the Centre for Hessian Studies defended the adaptation of the 18th century artwork in Mayhem’s logo: “metal music like that of the old Mayhem (pre-1994) harks back to a time before the comfortable and safe plastic world of today. Like Püschel’s engraving, it depicts and even glorifies the horrific and fantastic to stimulate our dormant imaginations and so that we might remember to appreciate existence to its fullest extent, no matter how harsh the reality may be.”

Typical brainless Michael Jackson fan’s twitter/blog etc comment: “may God bless you in Heaven! Michael Jackson, forever king of pop”.

Typical kvlt black metal kiddie’s twitter/blog etc comment: “may Satan’s blackwinged angels guide you to the infernal realm! Steingrim Torson, forever king of darkness”.

Since 1993, black metal has been full of laughable people wanting to be the next icons of the scene (that latter word pronounced with an effeminate lisp) as an ego boost and affirmation of importance and self-worth. Most try to impose this dubious honour on themselves by acting in a manner likely to be perceived as “kvlt” by the kidz and those of low intelligence. Still others face attempts to have it imposed on them by outside parties desperate to be part of something they believe to be cool.

One individual I recall being eager to be crowned “king of black metal” was Paul “Typhon” Thind of notorious alleged rip-off label Necropolis (or Negropolis as some later dubbed them). Probably most famous for releasing the Nordic Metal CD in tribute to Euronymous, Thind made much of his tenuous connections to the glamour of the Norwegian movement, mostly for various money making schemes and enticing bands to work with his “Norway-approved” label.

Claiming a close kinship with Oystein “Euronymous” Aarseth, he felt entitled to a special place in the growing (and soon to be quickly decreasing in quality) black metal scene. Of course, his “closeness” was nothing of the sort, Aarseth being eager to write to anyone who wrote to him especially if it meant possible new avenues of promotion and distribution for “his” bands.

The fact that the Nordic Metal CD was released on Thind’s young label was a matter of mere business expediency than anything else. A compilation CD had already been planned with most of the artists who eventually appeared on the tribute album. Thind couldn’t resist the opportunity of declaring in the Nordic Metal booklet that “Euronymous’s memory has spawned an entire series”, a thinly veiled proposed business plan attempting to cash in on the death of his “brother”. The series of compilation albums did not take off however, though the original tribute sold well and exposed many to the Scandinavian style of black metal.

Thind’s label lasted several more years until collapse, surrounded by rumours and tales of swindling, rip-offing, talking in a fake British accent (no one knows why Thind adopted this, possibly he was coming out of the closet) and declaring himself king of US black metal, to much amusement. His whereabouts are currently unknown, though it seems unlikely that he sits atop a throne of skulls being sucked off by satanic sluts wearing a crown made from the melted down mastertapes of “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas” and “The Return”.  

And then we have the unfortunates who find themselves being put forward as new icons of this once potent music. Of course, this is rarely out of any real adulation for the individual as such, but more as a vicarious means of being involved in something “significant”. Usually those responsible for this nonsense became involved with black metal well after the blood fire death of the early 1990s and as such feel they somehow missed out on the genre’s defining non-musical events. By “defining”, I mean in terms of the mainstream media perception, from which the majority of modern black metal listeners derive their flawed understanding of the genre in the first place.

One such potential icon is of course Jon Nodtveidt of Dissection, but another more recent example is Steingrim “Shotgun Gutsfuck” Torson of Celestial Bloodshed and numerous other 2nd rate new wave of vaguely-alright-I-suppose Norwegian black metal bands.   

Even before his absurd accidental death at the hands of a friend, Torson’s bands and those of his close colleagues were hailed and hyped as the “next big thing” by scenester types, eager for Norway to produce something half-decent again so they can say in later years that they “were there” when it all went down. Or at least, that they were posting comments on blabbermouth when this massive non-event took place.

When news spread of Torson’s violent death, these desperate people clasped their hands together with joy as they hoped that finally the kvlt crowd-appeasing era of black metal had its very own Dead or Euronymous figure. This needy and pathetic desire for new icons to venerate quickly began to manifest itself in the actions of numberless aimless morons.

In various blogs, myspace profiles, facebook groups and forums, idiots are making cute little photoshopped In Memoriam (using Latin instead of the plainer “in memory” is more kvlt) pictures much like “bereaved” Michael Jackson fans are doing, because their lives are empty and need injecting with surrogate meaning. The crowd are always the same, no matter if they make their icon a not especially talented singer with a gruesome white face or a… well, you get the picture.

Footnote 28.07.2009 – Since this article was published several of you have written in ”to confirm” that Necropolis Records did indeed “rip you off” and that there’s nothing “alleged” about it.

Well, aside from the fact that it has little or nothing to do with the article, I’d like to state that I couldn’t care less about you losing $15 over 10 years ago, which probably helped to fund a few good albums anyway.

Though Thind was undoubtedly a somewhat absurd and ridiculous character (thus why I used him to illustrate a point), his label did at least release a handful of classic releases, which is more than can be said for most record labels nowadays, “rip off” or not.