Following the deaths of five holidaymakers after a cliff face collapsed onto a beach in Portugal’s popular Southern Algarve region, the country has declared war on unstable rock formations.

Portuguese Prime Minister José Sócrates said yesterday: “Portugal’s tolerance of dangerous cliffs and mountains has come to an end. Debating with rocks is pointless, these geological outcroppings are fanatical in their beliefs and refuse to listen to reason. They leave us with no other option but to blow the shit out of them.”

At 9:00am yesterday, Portuguese jet fighters launched a massive wave of attacks against the country’s coastlines and mountainous regions. Already several million tonnes of rock insurgents have been neutralised.

“I think it’s a disgrace something wasn’t done sooner about these rocks,” one moronic onlooker told us, “they’ve been there thousands of years plotting and scheming against humanity. The government should hang their heads in shame.”

However, there has been stern condemnation of the attacks from several geological societies, claiming that the “War on Terra” unfairly stigmatises all rocks as terrorists.

A spokesman for Portugal’s Geological Research Facility told us: “Most rocks are not dangerous to humans. Only a tiny percentage of cliffs and mountains ever crush people to death, and they’re not representative of the majority of rocks who are peaceful and law-abiding. Indeed, many rocks have been part of our landscape for centuries. I’m also very concerned about the possibility of reprisals against entirely innocent stone formations.” 

There are unconfirmed reports that several hundred Portuguese civilians have been killed since yesterday’s attacks, following mudslides and cliff face collapses caused by the heavy air bombardment. It’s thought that a further three hundred people may have been killed by stray munitions. 

US President Barack Obama has already pledged support to Portugal’s “War on Terra”, and is said to be considering the option of filling in the Grand Canyon with concrete in case someone trips and falls down it.