Controversy has struck Facebook again as thousands of users have voiced their fury with the latest changes to hit their favourite social networking site.

Facebook users have for some time been campaigning and petitioning the site’s administration for a “dislike” option, so they could indicate their distaste for a linked article, update or photo upload. Previously, users were only able to indicate that they “like” something. Caving in to popular demand, Facebook finally added the option last week, but did not stop there. Andy Cocke, a senior technician who worked on the latest update told us:

“We decided that the next probable cause of complaint among our moronic users was the desire to express a dislike or like for other people’s dislikes and likes. So we pre-empted this by adding that feature straight away.”

Those signed up to Facebook are now able to like or dislike another user’s like or dislike, and can even go as far as to like or dislike the fact that someone liked or disliked someone else liking a dislike of someone’s like for a dislike. 

But now users complain that their update pages are filled up with endless lines of likes and dislikes. Mr Cocke admits that this is a serious flaw.

“As impossible as it may seem, we hadn’t foreseen the sheer anal stupidity of many Facebook users. In theory it’s possible to go on liking and disliking indefinitely, which causes problems for people who just want to read what John Smith’s been doing, and not whether John Smith is liking a dislike of a like of a dislike of a dislike of a like.”

One regular user of the site said: “I’ve lost friendships over this new feature. I got real angry at a guy I’d known since High School and disliked their dislike after they disliked the fact that I disliked someone disliking a favourable article link about President Obama that I liked. They said they’d gotten confused and had meant to like my dislike, but the damage had been done. We haven’t spoken on the internet since.” 

Plans to enable users to become fans of themselves and others becoming fans of something have now been shelved after a test run crashed the entire World Wide Web. In under quarter of an hour, six million people became fans of each other becoming fans of becoming fans of a user from New Zealand becoming a fan of quilted toilet paper.

Running a website allows you to have access to lots of interesting information about the people who visit you. Where they come from, what pages they spent most time looking at, their sexual preferences etc. You can even read through lists of the search terms they clumsily typed in before stumbling across the apparently much despised haven for savage mockery that you now find yourself trawling through.

The search terms below not only reveal the idiocy of a great proportion of web users, but also their base preoccupations with the trivial, the useless and the irrelevant. One wonders what the buggery fuck was going through their slovenly bovine minds when they rattled some of these little retarded word clusters out. One also wonders what the hell they expected to find at the other end…

All of the following are genuine search terms that somehow led people to this site, lovingly handpicked by me from a list of thousands over a period of about 6 months, believe it or not!

Fenriz girlfriend
Mortuus girlfriend
Favorite color fenriz
Fenriz heidi klum
Ted bundy sexy
Bundy bit my ass
How big was ted bundys dick
Satanic warmaster naked
Kebab murder cumfest
Satanic warmaster gay pics
Who is antihumanism.com
Marzipan euronymous
Poo of satyricon
Portuguese shirt midget

 So there I was, logging out of my hotmail account, the log-out process automatically redirecting me to the turgid familiarity of the MSN homepage. The site’s front page loaded up, the usual mix of adverts and ephemeral crap, my mouse pointer quickly tracing across the screen to the favourites tab on the toolbar.

A photo of a mummy and ickle baby panda dominated the site, apparently one of many “striking images of the week” or some such saccharine rubbish for the cyber-peasants to gawp at. “Not so much striking as sickening” I thought vaguely, my mind already concerned with other things: plans for the weekend, how to replace the broken tail-light on my car, whether Rwanda or Bosnia had the more media friendly genocide, etc etc. You know, the usual.

Suddenly, bang! Bang! BANG! BANG! BANG! Bloody great bullet holes were appearing in my screen with the sort of outright violence I was not at all accustomed to from MSN. Some heartless Microsoft thug was riddling those cute ickle pandas with machinegun fire! Needless to say I was appalled.

Once the smoke cleared and I recovered my composure suffiently to glance back at the screen, I was amazed and somewhat relieved. No slaughtered endangered species, no poignant artily composed shots of dead baby clinging to mummy and no weeping celebrities asking for your money.

No, it was a cheesy ad campaign for that new cops and robbers movie with Patrick “Batman” Bateman in it. It was one of those newfangled sort-of-but-not-quite-interactive advert gimmick things where various stupid stuff bursts out of the advert box and “interacts” with static web content to try and grab your attention.

What a brilliant use of technology, I thought. Isn’t it great how we use this powerful medium basically to keep a horde of chimps entertained? How wonderful that with all the myriad possibilities and resources of the WWW, the vast majority of users are looking for free porn (yeah that’s right, they don’t even want to support their favourite industry by putting their money into it, the parasites) and idle amusement.

“Oh look, cute pandas” *moves mouse to click for more* “oh shiiiit!!! WTF!!!* Bullet holes!! In my computermachine!!!! Awesome! I HAVE to see that movie dude!”

When I’m not internally debating such weighty matters as Rwanda vs. Bosnia or the delights of car maintenance, I sometimes (rarely if I’m honest) wonder how it must be to exist as an empty vessel, wide open sluggish brain waiting to be filled with whatever commerce has to offer me, like some drab and shapeless entertainment sponge. But then I get cold shivers down my spine and I never had much interest in zoology in any case.

Rwanda for the win by the way, those guys really put some effort into creating newsworthy murder and mayhem.

* I imagine such people actually do articulate each letter, W T F, in its webslang acronym form, and not merely uttering the far better sounding “what the fuck”.