Yes, it’s back and worse than ever before… it’s the return of the retarded search terms!

Since the last post on this fascinating insight into the minds of the multitudinous web-peasants who stumble across the noble e-moat of Antihumanism.com, we’ve collected dozens more classic gems of genuine retardation for your enjoyment pleasure. As tempting as it may be for us to make a few up, there’s really no need when you read through some of these!

So without further ado, here’s a little selection of the “best” we received recently:

Fenriz girlfriend (yes, teenage girls and boys are still obsessed with knowing if their fave black metal superstar is taken, or like, totally available!)

Mortuus girlfriend (just give it up already, he’s just so out of your league! If the music of Fragrant Mist is anything to go by, he’ll bore you to death anyway, trying to be “crazy” and random)

Darkness is my only friend black metal (the emos have arrived! Or possibly the goths. Exterminate them all)

Can I delete facebook (what, the whole site? You have to admire this guy’s ambition)

Mayhem dead cake (who wouldn’t want a birthday cake with Dead’s brains painted on it in red food dye?)

Euronymous mayhem cake (somewhere, there’s a kid jumping up and down with excitement at mommy’s food dye rendition of Euronymous’ corpsepainted face on icing)

Black metal with mosh breakdowns (sigh…)

Satyricon hermaphrodite (kind of an obvious and unsurprising one, but still amusing)

Vagina being fisted pictures (how would this lead them to Antihumanism.com, I wonder? I’m sure one of our many admirers will chime in to let us know)

What the fuck is humanism? (Can you actually imagine the type of person who would be so frustrated by their inability to understand the concept of something that they actually type “what the fuck is humanism?” into a search engine as if angrily shouting at God after a bad day at the extermination camp administration offices?)

That’s it for now, I’m sure there’ll be more soon. TREMBLE IN TREPIDATION FOR OUR WRATH SHALL BE TERRIBLE AND UNPLEASANT.

Running a website allows you to have access to lots of interesting information about the people who visit you. Where they come from, what pages they spent most time looking at, their sexual preferences etc. You can even read through lists of the search terms they clumsily typed in before stumbling across the apparently much despised haven for savage mockery that you now find yourself trawling through.

The search terms below not only reveal the idiocy of a great proportion of web users, but also their base preoccupations with the trivial, the useless and the irrelevant. One wonders what the buggery fuck was going through their slovenly bovine minds when they rattled some of these little retarded word clusters out. One also wonders what the hell they expected to find at the other end…

All of the following are genuine search terms that somehow led people to this site, lovingly handpicked by me from a list of thousands over a period of about 6 months, believe it or not!

Fenriz girlfriend
Mortuus girlfriend
Favorite color fenriz
Fenriz heidi klum
Ted bundy sexy
Bundy bit my ass
How big was ted bundys dick
Satanic warmaster naked
Kebab murder cumfest
Satanic warmaster gay pics
Who is antihumanism.com
Marzipan euronymous
Poo of satyricon
Portuguese shirt midget

 So there I was, logging out of my hotmail account, the log-out process automatically redirecting me to the turgid familiarity of the MSN homepage. The site’s front page loaded up, the usual mix of adverts and ephemeral crap, my mouse pointer quickly tracing across the screen to the favourites tab on the toolbar.

A photo of a mummy and ickle baby panda dominated the site, apparently one of many “striking images of the week” or some such saccharine rubbish for the cyber-peasants to gawp at. “Not so much striking as sickening” I thought vaguely, my mind already concerned with other things: plans for the weekend, how to replace the broken tail-light on my car, whether Rwanda or Bosnia had the more media friendly genocide, etc etc. You know, the usual.

Suddenly, bang! Bang! BANG! BANG! BANG! Bloody great bullet holes were appearing in my screen with the sort of outright violence I was not at all accustomed to from MSN. Some heartless Microsoft thug was riddling those cute ickle pandas with machinegun fire! Needless to say I was appalled.

Once the smoke cleared and I recovered my composure suffiently to glance back at the screen, I was amazed and somewhat relieved. No slaughtered endangered species, no poignant artily composed shots of dead baby clinging to mummy and no weeping celebrities asking for your money.

No, it was a cheesy ad campaign for that new cops and robbers movie with Patrick “Batman” Bateman in it. It was one of those newfangled sort-of-but-not-quite-interactive advert gimmick things where various stupid stuff bursts out of the advert box and “interacts” with static web content to try and grab your attention.

What a brilliant use of technology, I thought. Isn’t it great how we use this powerful medium basically to keep a horde of chimps entertained? How wonderful that with all the myriad possibilities and resources of the WWW, the vast majority of users are looking for free porn (yeah that’s right, they don’t even want to support their favourite industry by putting their money into it, the parasites) and idle amusement.

“Oh look, cute pandas” *moves mouse to click for more* “oh shiiiit!!! WTF!!!* Bullet holes!! In my computermachine!!!! Awesome! I HAVE to see that movie dude!”

When I’m not internally debating such weighty matters as Rwanda vs. Bosnia or the delights of car maintenance, I sometimes (rarely if I’m honest) wonder how it must be to exist as an empty vessel, wide open sluggish brain waiting to be filled with whatever commerce has to offer me, like some drab and shapeless entertainment sponge. But then I get cold shivers down my spine and I never had much interest in zoology in any case.

Rwanda for the win by the way, those guys really put some effort into creating newsworthy murder and mayhem.

* I imagine such people actually do articulate each letter, W T F, in its webslang acronym form, and not merely uttering the far better sounding “what the fuck”.