American metal bands Dawnbringer and Nightbringer are locked in a bitter dispute over whether night or day should be “brought”.

Nightbringer mainman Naas Alcameth claimed that any self-respecting metalhead would probably prefer night over day and that the argument was completely nonsensical anyway.

“We’re prepared to have a fistfight over it though” he said yesterday.

In response, Dawnbringer guitarist Scott Hoffman took up Alcameth’s challenge.

“The fight is on, man! We ain’t scared of no pussies in goth makeup. They only want to bring the night so it’s harder to see how gay they look. Or so it’s easier to bum other men in bushes 24/7. We’re bringing the dawn in boys, yeehaa!”

Whatever the outcome of the hastily arranged duel, a dozen or so bands called Stormbringer also waded into the debate this morning. Generic Black, spokesman for the loose coalition of identically monikered bands issued a statement at a press conference earlier today.

“Be it night or day that wins out, we, the Stormbringers will still be there to rain on them. And maybe thunder a bit. So whatever happens, we win by sheer force of numbers. And if the Plaguebringers think they can get up to their usual pestilence spreading mischief, they’re sadly mistaken. The Doombringers let their tyres down. And the Deathbringers too.”

“Oh, and as to the Warbringers, I say… bring it on!” he quipped.

The Nightbringer vs. Dawnbringer fight is due to take place in a forest clearing somewhere in Pennsylvania at exactly 02:00am next Sunday. The event is free, but you must bring your own dawn with you so as the combatants can see each other.

Former members of defunct black metal band Night Conquers Day have been barred from attending the event and will not be allowed entry. Erik of Watain is also barred due to height restrictions. And also because he’s a lame twat.

Yet again it’s been brought to our attention that Fenriz is still cut up about Antihumanism.com’s strong criticism of “new” Darkthrone.

In the official Darkthrone myspace blog, he says:

anyone remember that lowlife who took a month of his spare time just to make a FAKE dakthrone mini-site with fake album cover and fake songs? well, let’s just say if I was like that guy, I understand why he is ANTI-HUMAN, HAHAHAHA!!

Official Darkthrone myspace blog

Fenriz mate, it took about 5 minutes all in all. If I remember correctly, the guy who made the “fake” song (though it was at least as “good” as your current ”official” material) spent less than an hour making it.

It seems that you’re still pissed at us because so many people thought our parody was REAL (the thread at the Nuclear War Now forum was especially hilarious before it was deleted) and that must have really hurt your ego…

The latest in a long line of increasingly tiresome “viral ad campaigns” is gathering momentum, this time originating from thisman.org, a crappily designed website purporting to be gathering “evidence” of a man who is allegedly manifesting in the dreams of unrelated people across the globe.

Hilariously and apparently without any sense of irony, one suggestion cited on the site as a reason for this made-up epidemic of dreamstate breaking and entering is that there’s a gifted individual out there somewhere “surfing” people’s dreams.

In any case, we can now reveal from leaked sources the actual product that this campaign is promoting: a new penis enlargement pill. The staple of a million spam emails is now being hawked around by the face of a hermaphrodite.

Confused? Consider the mugshot image (above) of “this man” as being spread by viral street campaigners. Then consider the photo of the hermaphrodite below, which is soon to be released worldwide.  Yup, the strength of the pill is so immense (the makers claim) that even a woman (albeit a very ugly and sinister looking one) will sprout a throbbing member within days.

Mystery solved. Spread the word guys!

Does a Morrissey shit in the woods? Why yes, yes he does, at least according to the newly unveiled album cover for lame singles compilation cash-in “Swords” (Polydor). That’s right, another collection of sub-par songs, this time B sides from recentish singles, as if the A sides were any bloody good in the first place.

Still trading on his iconic 1980’s status as indie rock legend with The Smiths (“indie” as a term was intended to denote the independent nature of the record label upon which an artist was signed, not a genre of music kids), the hilariously misjudged photo that will adorn the as yet unreleased album seems to suggest that the quiff-haired crooning moaner has just taken, or is perhaps about to take, a large dump. In his expensive vintage jeans.

Look at that straining face. There’s some serious pushing going on there, and as a militant vegetarian (Meat is Murder, remember) let’s face it, when it does finally drop, it’s not going to be pleasant is it? And why the hell he hasn’t dropped his pants to clear the way for his steaming Anglo-Irish turd isn’t clear, unless perhaps he has a fetish for self-shitting.

Or, maybe I’ve misread this. Morrissey is known for writing songs about the exploits of various criminals (the Krays, the Moors Murderers etc), perhaps this image is in tribute to the infamous Green River killer, Gary Ridgway, who dumped his strangulated victims in remote woodland.

Is the past-it proto-emo squatting down as he inserts a rock into a dead prostitute’s vagina? Or regaining his breath after a nasty necrophiliac rigor mortis sex sesh? Whatever the explanation for the bizarre photo, Morrissey himself issued the following statement via his manager:

“As usual, everyone hates me. I love that photo and am quite unconcerned by any negative reaction, I’m quite used to it, believe me. But it hurts sometimes. Oh the pain of it! Well, laugh all you like, I will be, all the way to the bank! Now, if only someone would love me. For ME.”  

It’s traditional to write articles about the likes of Morrissey using various lyrics and making puns from his song titles, however, I’ve decided to close with two recent witty and quintessentially Moz quotes from the past week:

“I can smell burning flesh, I hope to god it’s human.”
Uttered to the crowd at a gig last week before storming off stage in protest at someone cooking meat backstage.

“This charming man…cough cough, shit I can’t breathe. Aaaaaaaaggggggghhhh.”
Uttered to the crowd at a gig last night before falling to his knees unconscious and being rushed to hospital. He should consider himself very fortunate he didn’t die, it just would not do to have died in Swindon Leisure Centre. That would have been vulgar in the extreme!

NEXT WEEK: Morrissey takes a piss up against a lamppost for front cover of C side single compilation, “Whores” (Polydor), then collapses and dies at Grimsby Conservative Club.

Following the deaths of five holidaymakers after a cliff face collapsed onto a beach in Portugal’s popular Southern Algarve region, the country has declared war on unstable rock formations.

Portuguese Prime Minister José Sócrates said yesterday: “Portugal’s tolerance of dangerous cliffs and mountains has come to an end. Debating with rocks is pointless, these geological outcroppings are fanatical in their beliefs and refuse to listen to reason. They leave us with no other option but to blow the shit out of them.”

At 9:00am yesterday, Portuguese jet fighters launched a massive wave of attacks against the country’s coastlines and mountainous regions. Already several million tonnes of rock insurgents have been neutralised.

“I think it’s a disgrace something wasn’t done sooner about these rocks,” one moronic onlooker told us, “they’ve been there thousands of years plotting and scheming against humanity. The government should hang their heads in shame.”

However, there has been stern condemnation of the attacks from several geological societies, claiming that the “War on Terra” unfairly stigmatises all rocks as terrorists.

A spokesman for Portugal’s Geological Research Facility told us: “Most rocks are not dangerous to humans. Only a tiny percentage of cliffs and mountains ever crush people to death, and they’re not representative of the majority of rocks who are peaceful and law-abiding. Indeed, many rocks have been part of our landscape for centuries. I’m also very concerned about the possibility of reprisals against entirely innocent stone formations.” 

There are unconfirmed reports that several hundred Portuguese civilians have been killed since yesterday’s attacks, following mudslides and cliff face collapses caused by the heavy air bombardment. It’s thought that a further three hundred people may have been killed by stray munitions. 

US President Barack Obama has already pledged support to Portugal’s “War on Terra”, and is said to be considering the option of filling in the Grand Canyon with concrete in case someone trips and falls down it.

I like the police. They perform a highly demanding, stressful and dangerous function: keeping nasty violent reality from impinging too much on the daily lives of normal folk who like to build cosy walls of illusion around themselves.

But sometimes they can be a bit silly and try to scare you into believing that they possess godlike powers of crime detection. Like with this new televisual advertisement:

Yes, apparently the British police are now able to detect if you’ve been taking illegal drugs from a mere glance as you pass them by. At night. While you drive past in a car. Impressive stuff isn’t it.

Hilariously, the advert seems to suggest that taking drugs gives you the lamp-eyed appearance of Gollum from Lord of the Rings, which would indeed make you liable to being stopped and searched.

Now obviously the police are trained to recognise possible indications of illicit substance use like pupil dilation and throwing up all over yourself and what not. But the idea of the police having some kind of bionic night vision only serves to make them look a wee bit stupid, not scary.

Maybe next time you try to make an intimidating advert to strike fear into evildoers, just have a bunch of riot police beating up badly dressed civilians for no apparent reason (google Ian Tomlinson, folks), they’ll respect you more after that I guarantee.

A house in Seattle where charming serial killer and ladies man Ted Bundy sexually assaulted and attempted to murder teenager Joni Lenz has been demolished and turned into a parking lot.

“This is a tragedy, a national scandal” said Bob Cocknobski, spokesman for state tourism, “that house was a part of American history, it should have been preserved for all time as a monument to Bundy’s free-enterprising homicidal genius”.

“Michael Jackson may have been the king of pop, but Bundy truly was the king of sadistic sexual murder. He makes Jackson’s suspected kiddie-fiddling antics look like total shit”, he added.

The parking lot developers shockingly revealed that they currently have no plans to mark the spot of the historically significant site. 

Despite the tragic loss of the historic building, plans are now underway to open Bundyworld, a Ted Bundy themed amusement park situated across the road from the newly built parking lot. The park will feature a 100ft tall Bundy statue in the entrance, welcoming visitors with a disarming smile and blood spattered blunt implement.

A spokesman for the new development said: “utilising the latest interactive possibilities of modern technology we’ve designed the ultimate multiple sexually-motivated homicide family fun day experience. There’s a pair of authentic replica female student asscheeks to bite into – that one’s going to be a big favourite with the dads! We’ve also built a replica house filled with Mexican illegal immigrants that we’ve made up to look like human beings; you can beat them to a pulp with whatever household implement takes your fancy. There’s even a “try-out” area with various phallic objects on display so there’s something for the moms to do while daddy and the kids are off having fun. Not to mention a driving simulator where you can cruise around at night in a Volkswagen Beetle with the lights off and a rape kit in the trunk.”

 But rival theme park, Richard Ramirez’s Realm of Rape, is already planning on stealing Bundyworld’s thunder by organising a concert with Ramirez’s favourite band AC/DC, whom he listened to whilst driving to brutally murder and rape his victims.

AC/DC’s schoolboy guitarist Angus Young, having kicked his football over our website’s fence, told us yesterday, “Can you give me my ball back mister?” However, the band’s singer Brian Johnson said, “we’d be honoured to pay tribute to our most infamous fan. Ramirez is the metalhead’s killer of choice, Bundy is more for Roxy Music fans or some soft and sensitive pommy bastards like that mate. C’mon Angus, put those drugs and whores down, it’s past your bedtime mate.”

On January 5th 1974, handsome nutjob Bundy crept through an unlocked window into Joni Lenz’s bedroom in the basement of a house she shared with friends. The charismatic killer then rammed a great big fuck-off medical vaginal probe into her cunt and beat her head about with a bloody great metal bar. The sexy psychopath then left through the same window that he’d entered through.

Lenz suffered brain damage, internal injuries and a sense of morbid starstruck wonderment, a sensation comparable to that of being fisted by Barack Obama in a gimp mask.