In our solipsistic modern age, it’s sometimes easy to forget that many of the questions with which we concern ourselves today are not just of the moment but are in fact eternal. Such is the case with debate on the relative merits of art.

It’s with this in mind that I present to you a slightly modified excerpt from Moliere’s The Misanthrope. Yes indeed, even in the 17th century, “me too” peasants are easily provoked when confronted plainly with the diabolical stupidity of their creations…!

The scene: ORONTE has shown ALCESTE (the eponymous misanthrope, no less) his bedroom black metal band’s debut kvlt CD (on Goatfukk Records), hoping to gain favourable comment…

ORONTE (to ALCESTE): And now, Sir, you remember what we agreed. Please give me your candid opinion. 

ALCESTE: Well, Sir – it’s always a delicate matter… you see when it comes to questions of taste we all like to be flattered… but as I was saying only the other day to a person whose name I won’t mention, on listening to some music he had composed, a gentleman should always be at pains to control that itch for picking up the guitar and pro-tools to which we are so prone; one should keep a tight rein on any desire one may have to advertise such trivial diversions or in eagerness to display one’s work one runs a risk of cutting a pretty poor sort of figure.

ORONTE: Are you trying to tell me that I was wrong in wanting to…

ALCESTE: No, I’m not saying that… but what I went on to tell him was how deadly the effect of pedestrian composition can be, how it only needs a foible of that sort to ruin a man’s reputation and though one may have a hundred good qualities, people only notice one’s weaknesses.

ORONTE: Are you saying there’s something wrong with my music?

ALCESTE: No, I’m not saying that but… to put him off writing music I pointed out the harm this sort of craving had done to some very worthy people in our own time.

ORONTE: Do I write music badly? Am I to assume I resemble them?

ALCESTE: No, I’m not saying that… but what I did say to him finally was this – do you really need to write music and if so, why on earth must you rush into having it released on CD? The only people who can be excused for letting a bad album loose on the world are the poor devils who have to write music for a living! Take my word for it, resist the temptation, conceal what you do from the public, however much people may urge you otherwise – for the sake of receiving at the hands of some grasping record label  the wretched and ridiculous title of musician. That’s what I tried to impress on him.

ORONTE: I think I understand what you mean, but may I not be told what there is in my album that…

ALCESTE: Frankly, the only thing to do is to put it away and forget it. You have formed your style on bad models. There’s far too much emo, metalcore, rock and God only knows what else. The old bands, your ancestors, crude and unpolished as they were, did very much better. I prefer to any of the stuff people admire so much nowadays an old ballad such as My Journey to the Stars.

ORONTE: For my part, I still maintain that my album is excellent.

ALCESTE: You have your reasons for your opinion, but you must permit me to think otherwise.

ORONTE: It’s sufficient for me that other people think well of it.

ALCESTE: Because they are skilled in dissimulation. I am not.

ORONTE: So you think you have a pretty good share of discernment?

ALCESTE: I should, if I saw anything in your songs!

ORONTE: I shall manage very well without your approval.

ALCESTE: I’m afraid you will have to.

ORONTE: I should like to see you compose something on the same theme.

ALCESTE: I might well have the misfortune to do equally badly, but I should take care not to show other people the result.

ORONTE: You speak with a good deal of assurance, Sir. Such self-opinion…

ALCESTE: I suggest, Sir, that you pursue your search for flattery elsewhere.

(The argument continues…)

German born artist Johann Joachim Püschel claims that the designer of Mayhem’s iconic logo plagiarised a detail from his work, The Keeper of the Infernal City, that he engraved way back in the mid 18th century.

During a chance encounter with founding member Euronymous in the afterlife, Püschel recognised the batwings on the deceased guitarist’s Mayhem logo t-shirt as being eerily familiar.

He told us: “I saw zis strange longhaired midget standink in ze dark corner of der avterlife with ein schwarz candle all drippink wax on his hand. He vass vearing a garment of clothink emblazoned with vot looked like ein detail from mein artvork. I demanded to be knowink from vhere he haf obtained der garment from. Der svine dropped der schwarz candle und ran avay screamink like ein girl.”

The dead kraut artist continued, “but then I am bumpink into notorious evil kinder vinkle-touchink dancer Michael Jackson, who ist tellink me der logo was ov his favourite musik group – ein schwarz metals band from Norvay called Mayhem.” 

Speaking from his ivy and moss covered grave yesterday, Püschel’s badly decomposed skeleton slammed the cult black metal band: “das designer of der Mayhem logo haf totally ripped off mein engravink of a demon that I haf painstakingly engraved in der year of der lord 1755. If you are lookink closely, der wings are almost exackly der same. Ach! The svinehund!”

Having recruited a lawyer specialising in back-from-the-dead-artist-and-underground-metal-band-logo-plagiarism claims to represent his case, Püschel now hopes to get his bony hands on several ten’s of euros backdated to the mid-1980’s which he believes are owed to him.

In response, the original designer of Mayhem’s logo, “Nella”, issued a flustered statement from his woodland cabin in Norway: “This is complete bullshit, I have no idea who the hell this Johann dude even is and I’ve never met this Keeper of the Infernal City guy either. Anyway how can he sue me or Mayhem if he’s dead? Things might be different in the afterlife and Germany but there’s a law against that in Norway.”

A spokesman for Mayhem’s record label told us that the band were too drunk on their own sense of self-satisfied smugness and artistic bankruptcy to make any comment on the subject whatsoever, though it’s understood that Hellhammer confirmed he would indeed play the drums “for any cunt wot asks me, yeah?”

However, a representative of the Centre for Hessian Studies defended the adaptation of the 18th century artwork in Mayhem’s logo: “metal music like that of the old Mayhem (pre-1994) harks back to a time before the comfortable and safe plastic world of today. Like Püschel’s engraving, it depicts and even glorifies the horrific and fantastic to stimulate our dormant imaginations and so that we might remember to appreciate existence to its fullest extent, no matter how harsh the reality may be.”