The return of retarded search terms
Since the last post on this fascinating insight into the minds of the multitudinous web-peasants who stumble across the noble e-moat of Antihumanism.com, we’ve collected dozens more classic gems of genuine retardation for your enjoyment pleasure. As tempting as it may be for us to make a few up, there’s really no need when you read through some of these!
So without further ado, here’s a little selection of the “best” we received recently:
Fenriz girlfriend (yes, teenage girls and boys are still obsessed with knowing if their fave black metal superstar is taken, or like, totally available!)
Mortuus girlfriend (just give it up already, he’s just so out of your league! If the music of Fragrant Mist is anything to go by, he’ll bore you to death anyway, trying to be “crazy” and random)
Darkness is my only friend black metal (the emos have arrived! Or possibly the goths. Exterminate them all)
Can I delete facebook (what, the whole site? You have to admire this guy’s ambition)
Mayhem dead cake (who wouldn’t want a birthday cake with Dead’s brains painted on it in red food dye?)
Euronymous mayhem cake (somewhere, there’s a kid jumping up and down with excitement at mommy’s food dye rendition of Euronymous’ corpsepainted face on icing)
Black metal with mosh breakdowns (sigh…)
Satyricon hermaphrodite (kind of an obvious and unsurprising one, but still amusing)
Vagina being fisted pictures (how would this lead them to Antihumanism.com, I wonder? I’m sure one of our many admirers will chime in to let us know)
What the fuck is humanism? (Can you actually imagine the type of person who would be so frustrated by their inability to understand the concept of something that they actually type “what the fuck is humanism?” into a search engine as if angrily shouting at God after a bad day at the extermination camp administration offices?)
That’s it for now, I’m sure there’ll be more soon. TREMBLE IN TREPIDATION FOR OUR WRATH SHALL BE TERRIBLE AND UNPLEASANT.
Tags: antihumanism, bing, crowdism, darkness, Darkthrone, emo, facebook, Fenriz, fragrant mist, frost, funeral mist, google, goth, humanism, mayhem, mortuus, retard, retarded, satyr, satyricon, search engines, search terms, seo
March 12th, 2010 at 5:54 am
First!! Take me out and fucking shoot me now…
I almost wish for some global event..end of days…
how would people survive without the net and texting?
People chewing on their laptops cause they have no idea how to forage..or hunt
anyway, I re-digest…
I want the Dead cake!!!!!! that would be soooooo nifty to have that pic as a cake..
maybe it could go on cakewrecks.com-(yes I like cakewrecks-the lady who runs it is funny as shit and the cakes are hysterical-and it’s way more “kvlt” than reading on myspace what Lars Fenriz ate for breakfast or what shiny new belt buckle you can get from Watain’s satanic whoring buffoon merch page-and yes I would rather read her blog then listen to most black metal)
Vagina being fisted? now that is interesting…
I don’t see any pictures of Satyr on here….
maybe I missed something….
March 12th, 2010 at 6:08 am
http://theblackoven.blogspot.com/2008_03_01_archive.html
Les Legions Noires cup cakes, embodying the epitome of misanthropy.
March 12th, 2010 at 6:42 am
“beholding the scone of might”-LOL
where the hell did you find this admin??
google “black metal cookies”??? lol
this is brilliant!
from church burnings to scones…
20 years can be a lifetime for a genre…
if Varg ends up on a Wheaties box that’s it for me….
I am pulling a Dead…
March 12th, 2010 at 9:19 am
Black metal cookies….
From the Northen Desert Hell comes a swarm of deliciousness…
None will survive the FROSTING of the world!
-from Satyricon’s next album, The Age of Puff Pastry (Now, Delectable)
March 12th, 2010 at 10:49 am
You can find more recipes in HELLBENT FOR COOKING: The Heavy Metal Cookbook.
http://www.bazillionpoints.com/?p=154
Oh by the way, I have to confess that I actually used one of those mentioned search terms once.
March 12th, 2010 at 11:10 am
LMAO-nice Bicro!!!
much like cookies-BM has gone stale or left out after opening…and rotted..
no-rotted would be too good for it…
I think the guys from Immortal would be great on the cooking channel..
wearing their gear from Wintermoon video…
after every successful platter-they do that quasi-epileptic seizure, to much x at a rave, black metal disco dance they do near the end…
they can wear little aprons that say “True Norwegian Krumkakes” with a little picture of an oven on fire….
Anti-H-dare I ask-which “search term”…??
please say “Vagina being fisted”-lol
or the satyricon one…..
other than those two-I could only ask…”what the hell were you thinking”??? LOL
March 12th, 2010 at 12:36 pm
I really hate to post this on account of it being so old, but fuck it, right?
http://www.metalinjection.net/tv/view/3429/black-metal-baking
And “Darkness is my only friend black metal”…
Was someone looking for that ultra-rare alternate take with Chronos crying in the background?
March 12th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
@ BIcro thank you for puttiing that link up
I cannot stop laughing…
I have NEVER seen that before..ever….
the whole thing is brilliant…
but I love the waiting scene….
I used to have that Mayhem shirt…and the longsleeve
(ahhhh…banging my ex while she was wearing my Mayhem longsleeve while listening to Wasp…I need therapy….)
is that alternate take with Cronos crying the one with Christian Bale yelling at him for ruining the scene in T-4 Salvation??
BM musicians need thicker skins…right Lars Fen-rich???
March 12th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
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March 12th, 2010 at 3:04 pm
I had to go back and watch the BM cookie making video…too funny
and then I perused the hosting site….
I came across the put Immortal in “everything” blog…
some of those pictures are fucking hysterical….
my fave is the Colonel from KFC in immortal corpsepaint…LMAO…
I almost wet myself….
they have become LEGENDS….and not for what they were hoping for….
they are the poster children for Black Metal gone wrong…..lol
March 12th, 2010 at 4:07 pm
Indeed, Immortal has become their namesake.
But for all the wrong reasons.
The age of tape-trading that Euronymous and his circle came up in is long-gone…
The age of the internet has enlightened us and destroyed us.
For better or for worse?
WE REPORT. YOU DECIDE AND ARE GRIM.
(and sometimes cry in your bedroom while listening to lifelover)
March 12th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
Eronymous Cake.
That’s fucking amazing.
Anyways for fun I figured I’d share- I found this site by typing the following: “black metal fans full of shit”
Because I wanted to know if there were others who shared my view that the “kvltest” kids around were completely full of shit and nauseating to boot. And I’m glad to have found the answer to be a resounding “yes” here on this site. The amount of stupid things I had been reading while looking for Burzum’s latest got annoying rapidly. Also the number of Americans who think Euronymous is this great guy that was wronged is hilarious. I’ve never so much as heard of a legit Stalinist until this kid.
March 13th, 2010 at 8:48 am
“Anyways for fun I figured I’d share- I found this site by typing the following: “black metal fans full of shit””
I spotted that one this morning. WE KNOW EVERYTHING.
March 13th, 2010 at 9:02 am
@Matt: That’s not all, bro…read some of the interviews with Hellhammer if you can dig ‘em up. He was a hardcore idealist in many ways.
Only thing that’s strange was that he corresponded with the Israeli group Salem on a (semi? dunno) regular basis. Apparently Varg didn’t like this and sent them a booby-trapped letter. Something weird you don’t find mentioned in a lotta places.
March 13th, 2010 at 2:13 pm
I could care less of “politics” when it comes to tunes…
I appreciate Euro- for the groundwork he laid in bringing the second wave to life…
not the childish, non-sensical babble…(which, I honestly find it funny that anyone believes ANYTHING regarding the Norwegians as far as ideology or politics are concerned-including Varg-who has changed his stories 20,000 times about most everything involving himself and if someone catches him in a contradiction, he just pulls out the “I am so wronged”, “I am so taken out of context” card-he is as transparent as any con-man. I think the only truly smart, well spoken and fairly consistent one of the Norse bunch is Ishan) but the formation of Mayhem-the music and having every involved himself with Snorre-the godfather of the “Norwegian” guitar sound…that bizarre use of tone and minor scales…
Bicro-Hellhammer is another…
he has professed hatred of blacks and minorities…has come and said Mayhem is not a “political” band….claimed he was not “political” and has had no ties to white supremacy groups….then re-stated that he dislikes blacks and minorities…
and I am sure he has used the “I was taken out of context” crap too..
on a weird note…
I love how Varg bashes America…yet still wants to hold onto pagan/nationalistic Norwegian pride shit…
how very UN-VIKING to be a socialist..
but he should be very happy he is not an American…
because for the crimes he committed his ass would be in jail for the rest of his life-with no chance of a parole or making tunes ever again…
Vikings used to kill or banish murderers…for life….
hmmmm, America…very Viking actually….
I am not an overtly flag waving person…I know the flaws we have…many..
but assholes like Varg can talk the talk….but most can never walk it…
he should be happy he is socialist…
March 13th, 2010 at 5:07 pm
@blaaarghhh: Good point on Vikings banishing murderers. That’s how Greenland got started!
And on the subject of Mayhem, after all the negative publicity they got, Attila was the best thing that could possibly have happened to them. The credibility he gained since doing De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas (by virtue of all the appearances and such that he’s done with other bands) has allowed them to continue to be relevant. Some wonder what would have happened if they had never progressed past Wolf’s Lair Abyss…
But in a way they’ve become the vanguards of that old scene, differentiating it from the current post/melodic/experimental/etc black metal scene which has become so popular elsewhere in the world.
All opinions, take em as you like.
March 14th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Hahahahaha, this is great. Thanks admin, I had a good laugh at this.
March 14th, 2010 at 4:09 pm
Isn’t it obvious blaaarghhh is another trolling attempt, probably in Adrian McCoy vibe? Or am I just paranoid?
March 15th, 2010 at 6:23 am
The funny thing with Hellhammer (the drummer, not the band) is that HE IS half black, yet hates blacks and minorities! his mother is Moroccan… what an ASSHOLE.
March 15th, 2010 at 9:55 am
dead but dreaming-you are paranoid…lol
I actually post things I believe…
and who are you exactly? any real thoughts on anything…
or you just wanted to take a shot at me??
is this Fenriz??? LOL
go back to darkthones myspace page and worship your lord of crustpunk..lol
March 15th, 2010 at 10:03 am
BTW Dead But…
I guess I am just not “hip” enough..
because I have no fucking clue who you referenced….
for a sad, lonely old withdrawn soul such as I, do share your wisdom and knowledge upon thee and impart???
March 15th, 2010 at 11:38 am
I guess it was that dude who really seemed to like the norsk arsik thingy in the last topic.
March 15th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
http://tech.uk.msn.com/microsoft/photos.aspx?cp-documentid=152537151
Offerssupermarket.co.uk / MSN stole our idea! haha
March 16th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
UPDATE:
A lot of people are still searching for Darkthrone’s “Total Deaf” album, our totally fabricated joke album. Ho ho.
March 16th, 2010 at 4:53 pm
*High-fives Admin*
March 27th, 2010 at 1:24 pm
I just searched for ‘mortuus girlfriend’, I didn’t get any concrete results. Does this mean I’m still in there?
April 7th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
Hi Jessica, I’m currently free and available. PM me through myspace asap. I’m willing to show you the divine wrath of the LORD. With my willy. Thanks.
April 8th, 2010 at 4:46 pm
Awwwwwwww, that Mortuus!
April 12th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
LMAO….Black Metal dating at it’s WORST..
it sucks when the guy wears more make-up than the girl.
Mick Mars would have made a GREAT BM’er. What a shame.
Come to think of it, how similar is corpse paint to glam?
Anyway, let’s here it for young, graveyard darkened love.
Jessica, Mortuus-just use some precaution. No need for reproduction. At all. Please.The “pull out” will work if timed properly.
I would say just say scarf it down quick, if you don’t like it down the hatch. Pretend it’s bad cough medicine. I had a girl who would keep a bottle of antacid handy for such an occasion. Said “it” gave her heartburn. Then she would chase that down with some form of carbonated beverage. Can we give plugs on here? Let us say it rhymes with “Poke”.
Satan love her-she was trooper.
What am I talking about? Pudding? Sometimes I feel like Lloyd Bridges from “Top Gun”…
April 12th, 2010 at 12:03 pm
or
Hot Shots…take your pick….
“who put them crabs there”"
April 12th, 2010 at 2:40 pm
Black Metal Dating.com!
You must be at least THIS GRIM to enter.