A formula for orthodox black metal
“Orthodox” black metal is very popular at the moment, though is rapidly reaching saturation point if it hasn’t already done so. The likes of Watain and Ondskapt have signed to major labels (relatively speaking, that is) and there are countless imitators of the imitators.
Scientists at the Ohio State Institute of Metal Fail have been studying this tiresome phenomenon since about 2004, and have discovered a succinct formula and breakdown of “orthodox” black metal (concentrating on the main Swedish exponents), which is as follows:
Dissection + Mayhem 1989-1993 + misused Latin + random bible quotes x “orthodox” image + 70’s heavy metal/rock + any old random shit (artist’s choice) = orthodox black metal.
The Institute’s experts have also calibrated a detailed breakdown of “orthodox” black metal in terms of percentages:
25% (the trve) Mayhem, 25% Dissection, 10% random shit, 20% image, 10% Marduk, 5% homosexuality, 5% tracing paper.
The scientists also noted that the percentage quota may vary slightly between individual bands, especially in the case of Mortuus (of Marduk) aka Arioch’s band Fragrant Mist, where the “random shit” percentage may be as high as 60-70%.
Dr. Marcus She-Ra, head of the Ohio State Institute of Metal Fail said: “Bands like Watain, Ondskapt and probably Ofermod, who started this whole thing in the first place, had a certain potential, but they did not live up to it. Our research indicates that these so-called ‘orthodox’ bands do not really understand how an album like ‘De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas’ is constructed and merely seek to emulate it in as simple a way as possible, adding other random elements to widen audience appeal or just because the artists are fucking idiots. In other words these bands know how to appeal to the aesthetic sensibilities of 2nd wave black metal fans, however musically they only graze the surface without ever attaining the heights of their influences. In short, I would say ‘orthodox’ black metal on the whole is nothing but a sham, creating a very marketable product sourced in the kvlty aura of former underground teen-idols like Watain, but having no deeper essence or meaning. It’s all about the image, baby.”
When asked, the Watain camp refused to comment on the research, but did state that they had a lot of merchandise available (beer bottle openers, belt buckles, fan boy picture disks for each member of the band etc), hilariously quoting the following from the Temple ov Watain website:
Remember that wearing Watain merchandise means showing your support towards a divine form of art that has been and will always be rightfully feared and hated by humanity. It is a sign of loyalty or belonging to the hungry ones, the fearless and feared, the enemies of the world as we know it. Support the War!
Tags: black metal, dissection, erik watain, mayhem, ofermod, ondskapt, orthodox black metal, swedish black metal, temple ov watain, watain, watain merchandise
February 12th, 2010 at 9:10 am
Yeah, I gotta say it’s pretty shitty how Watain turned out. Once they were self-proclaimed tr00 kvlt underground, more extreme, more grim, more necro, death to posers, never sell out etc etc.
Now they’re appearing on MTV and have a merch range soon to rival Cradle of Filth. How we laugh.
February 12th, 2010 at 5:36 pm
You anus.com fucks prove once again to be the most closed minded assholes on the face of the planet…Instead of attacking the nu-metal faggots out there you assault the best black metal out today…
SHAME ON YOU!!!!!
February 13th, 2010 at 11:48 am
As long as they keep true to themselves and keep making good music I see no problem if they get a bigger audience (which they deserve) and better sales (which they also deserve). And I wouldn’t be joking about Watain. They certainly weren’t.
February 14th, 2010 at 9:04 am
I hope this Institute will soon release the formula for Atmospheric and Anarchist Black Metal. They seem quite dedicated so I have high hopes for this.
February 14th, 2010 at 12:55 pm
i cant believe you took the time to write this..
February 15th, 2010 at 9:00 am
I LOVE THIS SITE!!!!!!!!!! It really takes the piss out of all these bands who want to be EXTREME yet whore themselves everywhere…..and think they are special-dime a dozen…
it’s like punk/goth kids spending $50 on shit @ Hot Topic…that they could make themselves for $15 bucks….
if you wanted to be a musician that sold records by the tons and hawk your crappy shirts and didnt want a “day job”..
then play in a cover band at some shitty blues/rock bar…
or play something that can be played in between whatever the flavor of the month is on FM radio….
not underground music….or anything with originality or actual thought behind it…
February 15th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
“You anus.com fucks prove once again to be the most closed minded assholes on the face of the planet…Instead of attacking the nu-metal faggots out there you assault the best black metal out today…”
Perhaps you should be less close minded and consider for a moment that your favorite bands are not as awesome as you think. Everyone knows nu-metal is gay, it’s so obvious that Opeth fans pat themselves on the back for noticing it. However it requires a higher level of intelligence and open mindedness to be able to point the less obviously stupid.
Watains first record was good, but if you give honesty a try you will notice the followups are sub par at best.
February 15th, 2010 at 11:02 pm
You guys are the shit.
This site is the shit.
Marduk is the suck.
Watain is the suck.
But what can I say? I’m a sucker for Fragrant Mist!
February 16th, 2010 at 8:36 am
Ok. I like many of the bands that claim to be “orthodox” but the word “orthodox” can’t describe a musical genre. As a Greek I’m able to understand the word “orthodox” 100% and it only describes faith and religion.
February 16th, 2010 at 12:14 pm
Thank you for taking a shot at the “untouchable” aspect of the black metal scene. These “orthodox” bands are just as fake as the rest of the scene, yet people somehow get fooled into thinking they aren’t. Watain are “extreme” because they drink blood? They’re just some privileged fucking Swedes with good healthcare.
Anyone remember when Erik was the “defender of the underground” type guy? How the times have changed.
February 17th, 2010 at 3:33 am
To the greek guy who “knows what orthodox means 100%”: wow well done idiot. These orthodox bands claim to be “religious”, hence why they call themselves “orthodox”, based on a few statements by Euronymous claiming to be a “religious devil worshipper” or whatever. So actually yes, it is a genre (a micro one perhaps, but a genre nonetheless).
February 17th, 2010 at 10:58 am
To colonpoopooing who thinks he’s the only one who knows the Euronymous statements.
I just said “orthodox black metal” or “orthodox whatever music” doesn’t make any sense. First learn about the meaning of term and then speak about it. “Orthodox satanism” makes sense. Grasp the difference?
Oh, and I’m not a guy. The idiot is you.
February 17th, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Foteini, I believe Ofermod (probable founders of this nu-swedecore religious metal movement) call themselves “orthodox death metal” and have dubbed it a new genre as it’s based on different lyrical concepts from typical death or black metal.
However I think this article refers more generally to the slightly corrupted (in common secular usage) English use of the word, meaning “adhering” to certain principles, i.e. those of the old Norwegian school, Mayhem etc.
But let’s not quibble over little things like that, though eh? I guess you’re agreement with the article anyway?
February 19th, 2010 at 11:09 am
Didn’t it start with Nefandus? I realize it’s almost the same band, but…
Anyway, Watain are like little children. Or at least Erik, who is the spokesperson. Their “anti-cosmic” philosophy is also completely nonsensical and laughable as well.
February 20th, 2010 at 8:13 am
so for giggles, I went to the link in this article for this band…
lol-how incredibly “evil” and “black”-a link to their “myspace” page….
is it not ironic that every “counter-culture” band has a facebook or a myspace page?
that is definately going against the grain of society, truly showing that you will not pander to the masses by joining the 2 most popular websites in the world…
and no, I do not have one either, nor does the 20 year plus project me and my guitarist work in have one either….
we will just have a regular old site….and mostly send our shit out the old fashioned way…to online fanzines, print fanzines, print media…heavy metal shows online and radio…
I don’t necessarily have an issue with the internet as far as promotion….or whoring..
but I cannot take any band seriously who tells me how they hate society, worship “darkness” and then put themselves on the most conformist of sites…
not just Watain…any band…
February 20th, 2010 at 11:25 am
man i can’t believe how serious this site and it’s readers take themselves. what a fucking joke!
February 22nd, 2010 at 3:53 pm
@ LOL-then go somwehere else-fanboy. I hear the internet has alot of webpages for one to peruse. That’s the rumor.
February 28th, 2010 at 8:07 am
Nice work thank you for sharing this see you soon again
March 12th, 2010 at 1:36 am
If Watain are sellouts, then the universe is made of lime jell-o. Every band has a myspace page. Not every band can write an album like Casus Luciferi. If this band isn’t true, nobody is.
March 23rd, 2010 at 10:36 am
Let’s see if you still have that big mouth about being fake and stuff when those guys are in front of you…
March 24th, 2010 at 3:30 am
Why is it, that every time someone makes a valid point or criticism of a band or whatever, some genius has to pipe up with a load of crap like “oh ho! you just wait til you meet me/them IRL tough guy! Then you won’t be so clever!”
For the record, Erik of Watain is a skinny little midget and even IT of Abruptum could probably flatten him.
By the way “angelraper” if you actually tried raping an angel, you’d be in serious shit. Those guys are “fuckin’ tuff” (to quote Fenriz). You’d probably end up sodomized with a fiery sword or something.
March 26th, 2010 at 11:12 am
This post has not much to do with the article itself yet because this discussion seems “fresh” I’ll simply post it here…
What amazes me most at this site is probably the “antihuman” ideology. Well first off all you believe by slaying all the “unworthy” ones you will get some “salvation” for this world. Well the world as it works now is utter crap – no point in denying that. But what makes you the “worthy” ones? Can you point at something that sets you above the whole pseudo-intelectuals claiming their superiority on the internet? Is it some college degree? Well I personally know many people with college degrees, in fact 90% of people I work with in my job have them and yet they are just stupid cattle. Nothing more. IQ value? Size of your dick? hm?
But let’s suppose you get to the point of having your “elite” ruling the world. How do you know that you or your children won’t get the world back in the same shit? Is it some moral values? Hm I thought you deny moral values. But wait – you surely already have a new list of moral values you work on before going to bed. Daydreaming about yourself standing as the new Moses with you list of commandments. Nice very nice…
In fact it is as utopic as the Third Reich.
Sure I agree – murder mankind. But all of them. Each and every one. Without exceptions. Then you can call yourself an antihumanist. Right now you ar just wannabe evil humanist.
But anyway what has all of this to do with Black Metal?
March 26th, 2010 at 11:34 am
“The most hated blog in the world”…..yeah right….The wannabe “hated opposers” gimmick you do here is just funny….No wait…It’s not funny anymore…Just pitiful.
March 26th, 2010 at 12:00 pm
But it’s true, isn’t it? If one was standing in front of you, you’ll shit your fucking pants instead of telling them how fake they are in their music and beliefs.
March 28th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Remember that wearing Watain merchandise means humanity is proven right. When they see some fuck-up, who’s on drugs, has no friends, is cast out from life and has left scars on themselves rather than anyone else, it means that those darn worthless humans are right about metal-heads and it brings laughter instead of fear into humanity!!!!
March 29th, 2010 at 5:00 am
Required name, you’re a total fuckwit. It’s Anti-Humanism, not Anti-Human. If you don’t get the difference you just proved yourself amongst the stupid ones who should be shot and dumped in a trench.
And as for “what has this got to do with black metal”? Hahahahahahahahah
April 1st, 2010 at 1:03 am
colonpoopooing your the worthiest of all dumbass. Anti-humanism my ass. This pseudo-elitism is shit and you should know it very well yourself but you apparently don’t so whose the dumbass to be dumped?
Not much more to be said about it than I already have done…
Hah maybe one more thing – the only value that makes you elite today is the number on your bank account and as far you are not millionaire bitches you are all just worthless scum – sad but true.
April 1st, 2010 at 1:11 am
“And as for “what has this got to do with black metal”? Hahahahahahahahah” – fuck you. I am sure you’re the coolest anti-humanist kid in the neighbourhood Fred. Black Metal has for me much different values than to be some anti-humanistic pseudo-elitistic internet junkies as some of the people here present themselfs…
April 6th, 2010 at 3:17 pm
How about a mock interview with Twilight the band and ask questions strictly about the movie!
April 26th, 2010 at 6:52 pm
You obviously have nothing to do with your time other than writing in a blog like a nerdy 17-year-old girl. Go back to your World of Warcraft you lazy slob.
July 8th, 2010 at 5:18 am
This site is a fukkin joke! true means wanna be! and the word true is just a fukkin joke,too!! What the fukk? I can´t believe how serious you take your opinions about what is true and what not!!?? I think its a site for the fukkin MTV generation…….sorry,for the “true” MTV evil-generation-black!!!! Unbelieveble……………
August 16th, 2010 at 11:23 am
“Watain” is for chicks (just like dimmu borgir etc) and yes, religious\orthodox is just another TREND. If you want Black Metal you must listen more to facken The Return….you motherfuckers!!