So there I was, logging out of my hotmail account, the log-out process automatically redirecting me to the turgid familiarity of the MSN homepage. The site’s front page loaded up, the usual mix of adverts and ephemeral crap, my mouse pointer quickly tracing across the screen to the favourites tab on the toolbar.

A photo of a mummy and ickle baby panda dominated the site, apparently one of many “striking images of the week” or some such saccharine rubbish for the cyber-peasants to gawp at. “Not so much striking as sickening” I thought vaguely, my mind already concerned with other things: plans for the weekend, how to replace the broken tail-light on my car, whether Rwanda or Bosnia had the more media friendly genocide, etc etc. You know, the usual.

Suddenly, bang! Bang! BANG! BANG! BANG! Bloody great bullet holes were appearing in my screen with the sort of outright violence I was not at all accustomed to from MSN. Some heartless Microsoft thug was riddling those cute ickle pandas with machinegun fire! Needless to say I was appalled.

Once the smoke cleared and I recovered my composure suffiently to glance back at the screen, I was amazed and somewhat relieved. No slaughtered endangered species, no poignant artily composed shots of dead baby clinging to mummy and no weeping celebrities asking for your money.

No, it was a cheesy ad campaign for that new cops and robbers movie with Patrick “Batman” Bateman in it. It was one of those newfangled sort-of-but-not-quite-interactive advert gimmick things where various stupid stuff bursts out of the advert box and “interacts” with static web content to try and grab your attention.

What a brilliant use of technology, I thought. Isn’t it great how we use this powerful medium basically to keep a horde of chimps entertained? How wonderful that with all the myriad possibilities and resources of the WWW, the vast majority of users are looking for free porn (yeah that’s right, they don’t even want to support their favourite industry by putting their money into it, the parasites) and idle amusement.

“Oh look, cute pandas” *moves mouse to click for more* “oh shiiiit!!! WTF!!!* Bullet holes!! In my computermachine!!!! Awesome! I HAVE to see that movie dude!”

When I’m not internally debating such weighty matters as Rwanda vs. Bosnia or the delights of car maintenance, I sometimes (rarely if I’m honest) wonder how it must be to exist as an empty vessel, wide open sluggish brain waiting to be filled with whatever commerce has to offer me, like some drab and shapeless entertainment sponge. But then I get cold shivers down my spine and I never had much interest in zoology in any case.

Rwanda for the win by the way, those guys really put some effort into creating newsworthy murder and mayhem.

* I imagine such people actually do articulate each letter, W T F, in its webslang acronym form, and not merely uttering the far better sounding “what the fuck”.

Tags: christian bale, entertainment, machinegun, microsoft, movies, msn, pandas, patrick bateman

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 5th, 2009 at 9:40 am and is filed under Technology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.