This past Thursday, July 29th in a secret location in London (as if anyone in their right mind would want to attend anyway), the tiresome annual Kerrang! Awards ceremony took place.

The festivities, featuring a sodomy theme and attended by utter wankers from around the world, were hosted by vacuous idiots Slipknot / Stone Sour (huh?) frontman Corey Taylor and Anthrax guitar wimp Scott Ian (who had nothing better to do presumably).

At the ceremony, rock music’s version of Heat magazine paid tribute to the drugs Morphine and Fentanyl, a cocktail of which happily killed late Slipknot bassist Paul Gray in May, awarding the meds with the golden K! for Services To Metal. Taylor accepted the award on the pharmaceuticals’ behalf to a standing ovation.

After the awards, ITN (on what must have been the slowest news day ever) spoke to Corey about what the award symbolized to him and how it felt to accept the award for his beloved drug of choice. You can see the poignant interview somewhere else you fucking retards.

Bayusik, yesterday

We contacted Mikael Bayusik to get the low-down on what really went on with the Night Conquers Day keyboard player. Here’s what he had to say:

American metal bands Dawnbringer and Nightbringer are locked in a bitter dispute over whether night or day should be “brought”.

Nightbringer mainman Naas Alcameth claimed that any self-respecting metalhead would probably prefer night over day and that the argument was completely nonsensical anyway.

“We’re prepared to have a fistfight over it though” he said yesterday.

In response, Dawnbringer guitarist Scott Hoffman took up Alcameth’s challenge.

“The fight is on, man! We ain’t scared of no pussies in goth makeup. They only want to bring the night so it’s harder to see how gay they look. Or so it’s easier to bum other men in bushes 24/7. We’re bringing the dawn in boys, yeehaa!”

Whatever the outcome of the hastily arranged duel, a dozen or so bands called Stormbringer also waded into the debate this morning. Generic Black, spokesman for the loose coalition of identically monikered bands issued a statement at a press conference earlier today.

“Be it night or day that wins out, we, the Stormbringers will still be there to rain on them. And maybe thunder a bit. So whatever happens, we win by sheer force of numbers. And if the Plaguebringers think they can get up to their usual pestilence spreading mischief, they’re sadly mistaken. The Doombringers let their tyres down. And the Deathbringers too.”

“Oh, and as to the Warbringers, I say… bring it on!” he quipped.

The Nightbringer vs. Dawnbringer fight is due to take place in a forest clearing somewhere in Pennsylvania at exactly 02:00am next Sunday. The event is free, but you must bring your own dawn with you so as the combatants can see each other.

Former members of defunct black metal band Night Conquers Day have been barred from attending the event and will not be allowed entry. Erik of Watain is also barred due to height restrictions. And also because he’s a lame twat.

I found this on the Metal-Archives page for black metal band Night Conquers Day and it’s somehow funnier than anything that’s been posted here (not difficult you may say). Presumably it’s from some interview or other with mainman Mikael Bayusik, though I can find no confirmation.

“Raistlyn did some session keyboards on “The First Snowfall” album, most notably was the great Intro that he recorded for that debut CD. He mysteriously disappeared during our debut CD recording sessions and has not been seen since. Once in a great while he will call (randomly) and play some amazing keyboard piece over the phone for me, but never say who it is. He then just hangs up. “

*ring ring*

“Hello, Night Conquers Day residence.”

*tap tap, click*

“Uh, hello?”

*Doo. Da dum. Dala la da da*

“Raistlyn for fuck’s sake it’s Sunday morning, I’ve gotta take the kids to football practice.”

*Da la dum dum DUM dum di dum*

“Look, that sounds great but…”

*Do li tum ti tum la la la fa li dah*

“Can we please just talk about this? Maybe you can come play on the next Tearstained album?”

*Do dah dah dah prom pom pom di doo*

“At least let me know why you…”

*click*

“Goddamn it”

Scooby and the gang were taking vacation in Sweden. As usual, Scooby and Shaggy had wandered off by themselves and were about to get into some spooky trouble at the local recording studio!

“Say Scoobs, why’s that freaky dude over there like staring at us like that?”

“Rhy ron’t row Rhaggy!”

“Zoiks! He’s coming over!”

Scooby shook nervously all over as a creepy looking midget with long, badly dyed, greasy hair approached the two friends.

“What are you two doing here?” he said in a high pitched and rather gay voice.

Laughing in that rather irritating way that he does, Shaggy scratched his head as he replied, “Like, I don’t know, we just got like lost I guess, we’ll be on our way! Sorry!”

“Rhat’s right! Rorry!”

“Wait a minute. If you want you can come in and watch us playing one of our new songs. You see, my name’s Erik and I play in a really happening black metal group called Watain. In fact, it’s the most evil and blasphemous band ever!”

Scooby placed his paws over his eyes as Erik bustled the two chums into the recording studio. Inside, a fat man was sweating behind the mixing desk and was pale with fright.

“W-who are th-these g-g-guys Erik?” he said in a terrified voice.

“Just some… aquaintances of mine” he said with an evil cackle, “they’ve come to listen to our latest black metal record! Bwa hahaha! It’s the most evil and darkest and sataniest album ever recorded! It’s going to destroy the whole world! Hahahaha!!!!”

As Scooby and Shaggy watched, Erik ordered the fearful record producer to play back one of the songs off their latest album “Lawless Darkness”.

“Rhaggy! Ro romething!” Scooby howled in terror.

“Like, I don’t know what to do old buddy! We’re like, doomed!”

Suddenly the music began to play at deafening volume. Scooby and Shaggy cowered, then slowly uncovered their eyes and looked at each other in bewilderment.

“Rhaggy, rhat’s rappening?”

“I don’t know Scoobs, this music like, totally sucks! It’s just lame rock/heavy metal music with harsh vocals. It sounds like a Judas Priest tribute act performed by a bunch of like, Down’s Syndrome children or something.”

Erik angrily slammed his little fists on the mixing desk and tried to run out the door, but tripping over his ego, he fell flat on his face and was held down by several police officers who appeared out of nowhere.

“Well done you two” said one of the senior officers, “we’ve been watching this little villain for a while now. If you hadn’t stopped him, this crap would be all over MTV by now.”

One of the police officers grabbed Erik’s head and pulled upwards. His face stretched until his face came off altogether.

“Zoiks! Scoobs! It’s like, Blacky Lawless out of WASP!”

“That’s right! I used the kvlty trappings of underground black metal to pass off terrible music on moronic people who don’t know any better. And I would have got away with it too, if it wasn’t for you pesky kids.”

“Like, what’ll happen to him now chief?” Shaggy asked the senior officer as Blacky was led away.

“Don’t you kids worry, we’re going to take him out to the woods and shoot him in the back of the neck.”

“Well Scoobs, I guess that’s what you get for being a Lawless Blacky (Darkness)! Ha ha! I don’t know, make your own lame ending joke up.”

“Scooby dooby dooooo!”

Having badly upset Fenriz of Darkthrone merely by presenting him with an unpalatable truth, it’s come to light that Robert of criminul gangsta black metal act Ritual is still rather pissed off at us as well.

Check this out: Ritual interview

It doesn’t bother me that people like antihumanism.com think I am a retarted ghetto kid from a broken home

It doesn’t bother you, yet you mention us several times in a single interview? Even Fenriz only slags us off once every few months or so.

I read an interview on a web site a few weeks ago and, well, it was extremely unprofessional (to put it mildly…)

Yep, Mr. Metal Crypt is talking about us, and Mr Ritual still thinks we’re this Prozak dude. Honestly, we at Antihumanism.com think well of Metal Crypt as a website, but calling us “unprofessional” is downright slander my friends. Last time I checked, our entire site had 2 less typing errors than Terrorizer’s latest issue, so put that in your metal crypt and entomb it. Metal Crypt writers please note sarcasm, thanks. ;)

I noticed that the comments on the web site were pretty inflammatory, and rarely in your favour.

To be fair, most people were jumping on the bandwagon, kicking a man when he was down, which is easy to do. But it was still funny.

Anyway, Rob, just let this bitterness towards us go mate. It’s unbecoming of you. And take solace in the fact that you will never be as absurd and pathetic as Fenriz has become.

In our solipsistic modern age, it’s sometimes easy to forget that many of the questions with which we concern ourselves today are not just of the moment but are in fact eternal. Such is the case with debate on the relative merits of art.

It’s with this in mind that I present to you a slightly modified excerpt from Moliere’s The Misanthrope. Yes indeed, even in the 17th century, “me too” peasants are easily provoked when confronted plainly with the diabolical stupidity of their creations…!

The scene: ORONTE has shown ALCESTE (the eponymous misanthrope, no less) his bedroom black metal band’s debut kvlt CD (on Goatfukk Records), hoping to gain favourable comment…

ORONTE (to ALCESTE): And now, Sir, you remember what we agreed. Please give me your candid opinion. 

ALCESTE: Well, Sir – it’s always a delicate matter… you see when it comes to questions of taste we all like to be flattered… but as I was saying only the other day to a person whose name I won’t mention, on listening to some music he had composed, a gentleman should always be at pains to control that itch for picking up the guitar and pro-tools to which we are so prone; one should keep a tight rein on any desire one may have to advertise such trivial diversions or in eagerness to display one’s work one runs a risk of cutting a pretty poor sort of figure.

ORONTE: Are you trying to tell me that I was wrong in wanting to…

ALCESTE: No, I’m not saying that… but what I went on to tell him was how deadly the effect of pedestrian composition can be, how it only needs a foible of that sort to ruin a man’s reputation and though one may have a hundred good qualities, people only notice one’s weaknesses.

ORONTE: Are you saying there’s something wrong with my music?

ALCESTE: No, I’m not saying that but… to put him off writing music I pointed out the harm this sort of craving had done to some very worthy people in our own time.

ORONTE: Do I write music badly? Am I to assume I resemble them?

ALCESTE: No, I’m not saying that… but what I did say to him finally was this – do you really need to write music and if so, why on earth must you rush into having it released on CD? The only people who can be excused for letting a bad album loose on the world are the poor devils who have to write music for a living! Take my word for it, resist the temptation, conceal what you do from the public, however much people may urge you otherwise – for the sake of receiving at the hands of some grasping record label  the wretched and ridiculous title of musician. That’s what I tried to impress on him.

ORONTE: I think I understand what you mean, but may I not be told what there is in my album that…

ALCESTE: Frankly, the only thing to do is to put it away and forget it. You have formed your style on bad models. There’s far too much emo, metalcore, rock and God only knows what else. The old bands, your ancestors, crude and unpolished as they were, did very much better. I prefer to any of the stuff people admire so much nowadays an old ballad such as My Journey to the Stars.

ORONTE: For my part, I still maintain that my album is excellent.

ALCESTE: You have your reasons for your opinion, but you must permit me to think otherwise.

ORONTE: It’s sufficient for me that other people think well of it.

ALCESTE: Because they are skilled in dissimulation. I am not.

ORONTE: So you think you have a pretty good share of discernment?

ALCESTE: I should, if I saw anything in your songs!

ORONTE: I shall manage very well without your approval.

ALCESTE: I’m afraid you will have to.

ORONTE: I should like to see you compose something on the same theme.

ALCESTE: I might well have the misfortune to do equally badly, but I should take care not to show other people the result.

ORONTE: You speak with a good deal of assurance, Sir. Such self-opinion…

ALCESTE: I suggest, Sir, that you pursue your search for flattery elsewhere.

(The argument continues…)

Yes, it’s back and worse than ever before… it’s the return of the retarded search terms!

Since the last post on this fascinating insight into the minds of the multitudinous web-peasants who stumble across the noble e-moat of Antihumanism.com, we’ve collected dozens more classic gems of genuine retardation for your enjoyment pleasure. As tempting as it may be for us to make a few up, there’s really no need when you read through some of these!

So without further ado, here’s a little selection of the “best” we received recently:

Fenriz girlfriend (yes, teenage girls and boys are still obsessed with knowing if their fave black metal superstar is taken, or like, totally available!)

Mortuus girlfriend (just give it up already, he’s just so out of your league! If the music of Fragrant Mist is anything to go by, he’ll bore you to death anyway, trying to be “crazy” and random)

Darkness is my only friend black metal (the emos have arrived! Or possibly the goths. Exterminate them all)

Can I delete facebook (what, the whole site? You have to admire this guy’s ambition)

Mayhem dead cake (who wouldn’t want a birthday cake with Dead’s brains painted on it in red food dye?)

Euronymous mayhem cake (somewhere, there’s a kid jumping up and down with excitement at mommy’s food dye rendition of Euronymous’ corpsepainted face on icing)

Black metal with mosh breakdowns (sigh…)

Satyricon hermaphrodite (kind of an obvious and unsurprising one, but still amusing)

Vagina being fisted pictures (how would this lead them to Antihumanism.com, I wonder? I’m sure one of our many admirers will chime in to let us know)

What the fuck is humanism? (Can you actually imagine the type of person who would be so frustrated by their inability to understand the concept of something that they actually type “what the fuck is humanism?” into a search engine as if angrily shouting at God after a bad day at the extermination camp administration offices?)

That’s it for now, I’m sure there’ll be more soon. TREMBLE IN TREPIDATION FOR OUR WRATH SHALL BE TERRIBLE AND UNPLEASANT.

Yet again it’s been brought to our attention that Fenriz is still cut up about Antihumanism.com’s strong criticism of “new” Darkthrone.

In the official Darkthrone myspace blog, he says:

anyone remember that lowlife who took a month of his spare time just to make a FAKE dakthrone mini-site with fake album cover and fake songs? well, let’s just say if I was like that guy, I understand why he is ANTI-HUMAN, HAHAHAHA!!

Official Darkthrone myspace blog

Fenriz mate, it took about 5 minutes all in all. If I remember correctly, the guy who made the “fake” song (though it was at least as “good” as your current ”official” material) spent less than an hour making it.

It seems that you’re still pissed at us because so many people thought our parody was REAL (the thread at the Nuclear War Now forum was especially hilarious before it was deleted) and that must have really hurt your ego…

The mysterious Nodnol Tohder, who allegedly did the typesetting for Emperor’s 1994 classic album “In the Nightside Eclipse” layout (see the original booklet liner notes, or google him) does not actually exist!

Read back to front, Nodnol Tohder = Redhot London, and is the name of a gay strip club in Norway where Samoth (owner of the record label NAP) discovered future signing Limbonic Art, who were the house band at the time!

Next week: Frost of Satyricon reveals the professional make-up techniques used for the band photos in “Nemesis Divina” and tells us of his agonizing decision to endorse Rimmel lipstick instead of Zildjian cymbals!!!