Controversy has struck Facebook again as thousands of users have voiced their fury with the latest changes to hit their favourite social networking site.

Facebook users have for some time been campaigning and petitioning the site’s administration for a “dislike” option, so they could indicate their distaste for a linked article, update or photo upload. Previously, users were only able to indicate that they “like” something. Caving in to popular demand, Facebook finally added the option last week, but did not stop there. Andy Cocke, a senior technician who worked on the latest update told us:

“We decided that the next probable cause of complaint among our moronic users was the desire to express a dislike or like for other people’s dislikes and likes. So we pre-empted this by adding that feature straight away.”

Those signed up to Facebook are now able to like or dislike another user’s like or dislike, and can even go as far as to like or dislike the fact that someone liked or disliked someone else liking a dislike of someone’s like for a dislike. 

But now users complain that their update pages are filled up with endless lines of likes and dislikes. Mr Cocke admits that this is a serious flaw.

“As impossible as it may seem, we hadn’t foreseen the sheer anal stupidity of many Facebook users. In theory it’s possible to go on liking and disliking indefinitely, which causes problems for people who just want to read what John Smith’s been doing, and not whether John Smith is liking a dislike of a like of a dislike of a dislike of a like.”

One regular user of the site said: “I’ve lost friendships over this new feature. I got real angry at a guy I’d known since High School and disliked their dislike after they disliked the fact that I disliked someone disliking a favourable article link about President Obama that I liked. They said they’d gotten confused and had meant to like my dislike, but the damage had been done. We haven’t spoken on the internet since.” 

Plans to enable users to become fans of themselves and others becoming fans of something have now been shelved after a test run crashed the entire World Wide Web. In under quarter of an hour, six million people became fans of each other becoming fans of becoming fans of a user from New Zealand becoming a fan of quilted toilet paper.

Running a website allows you to have access to lots of interesting information about the people who visit you. Where they come from, what pages they spent most time looking at, their sexual preferences etc. You can even read through lists of the search terms they clumsily typed in before stumbling across the apparently much despised haven for savage mockery that you now find yourself trawling through.

The search terms below not only reveal the idiocy of a great proportion of web users, but also their base preoccupations with the trivial, the useless and the irrelevant. One wonders what the buggery fuck was going through their slovenly bovine minds when they rattled some of these little retarded word clusters out. One also wonders what the hell they expected to find at the other end…

All of the following are genuine search terms that somehow led people to this site, lovingly handpicked by me from a list of thousands over a period of about 6 months, believe it or not!

Fenriz girlfriend
Mortuus girlfriend
Favorite color fenriz
Fenriz heidi klum
Ted bundy sexy
Bundy bit my ass
How big was ted bundys dick
Satanic warmaster naked
Kebab murder cumfest
Satanic warmaster gay pics
Who is antihumanism.com
Marzipan euronymous
Poo of satyricon
Portuguese shirt midget

The latest in a long line of increasingly tiresome “viral ad campaigns” is gathering momentum, this time originating from thisman.org, a crappily designed website purporting to be gathering “evidence” of a man who is allegedly manifesting in the dreams of unrelated people across the globe.

Hilariously and apparently without any sense of irony, one suggestion cited on the site as a reason for this made-up epidemic of dreamstate breaking and entering is that there’s a gifted individual out there somewhere “surfing” people’s dreams.

In any case, we can now reveal from leaked sources the actual product that this campaign is promoting: a new penis enlargement pill. The staple of a million spam emails is now being hawked around by the face of a hermaphrodite.

Confused? Consider the mugshot image (above) of “this man” as being spread by viral street campaigners. Then consider the photo of the hermaphrodite below, which is soon to be released worldwide.  Yup, the strength of the pill is so immense (the makers claim) that even a woman (albeit a very ugly and sinister looking one) will sprout a throbbing member within days.

Mystery solved. Spread the word guys!

Does a Morrissey shit in the woods? Why yes, yes he does, at least according to the newly unveiled album cover for lame singles compilation cash-in “Swords” (Polydor). That’s right, another collection of sub-par songs, this time B sides from recentish singles, as if the A sides were any bloody good in the first place.

Still trading on his iconic 1980’s status as indie rock legend with The Smiths (“indie” as a term was intended to denote the independent nature of the record label upon which an artist was signed, not a genre of music kids), the hilariously misjudged photo that will adorn the as yet unreleased album seems to suggest that the quiff-haired crooning moaner has just taken, or is perhaps about to take, a large dump. In his expensive vintage jeans.

Look at that straining face. There’s some serious pushing going on there, and as a militant vegetarian (Meat is Murder, remember) let’s face it, when it does finally drop, it’s not going to be pleasant is it? And why the hell he hasn’t dropped his pants to clear the way for his steaming Anglo-Irish turd isn’t clear, unless perhaps he has a fetish for self-shitting.

Or, maybe I’ve misread this. Morrissey is known for writing songs about the exploits of various criminals (the Krays, the Moors Murderers etc), perhaps this image is in tribute to the infamous Green River killer, Gary Ridgway, who dumped his strangulated victims in remote woodland.

Is the past-it proto-emo squatting down as he inserts a rock into a dead prostitute’s vagina? Or regaining his breath after a nasty necrophiliac rigor mortis sex sesh? Whatever the explanation for the bizarre photo, Morrissey himself issued the following statement via his manager:

“As usual, everyone hates me. I love that photo and am quite unconcerned by any negative reaction, I’m quite used to it, believe me. But it hurts sometimes. Oh the pain of it! Well, laugh all you like, I will be, all the way to the bank! Now, if only someone would love me. For ME.”  

It’s traditional to write articles about the likes of Morrissey using various lyrics and making puns from his song titles, however, I’ve decided to close with two recent witty and quintessentially Moz quotes from the past week:

“I can smell burning flesh, I hope to god it’s human.”
Uttered to the crowd at a gig last week before storming off stage in protest at someone cooking meat backstage.

“This charming man…cough cough, shit I can’t breathe. Aaaaaaaaggggggghhhh.”
Uttered to the crowd at a gig last night before falling to his knees unconscious and being rushed to hospital. He should consider himself very fortunate he didn’t die, it just would not do to have died in Swindon Leisure Centre. That would have been vulgar in the extreme!

NEXT WEEK: Morrissey takes a piss up against a lamppost for front cover of C side single compilation, “Whores” (Polydor), then collapses and dies at Grimsby Conservative Club.

It was a cold, misty morning, and Johan Lahger entered his dark and mouldy woodland bedroom deep within the depths of somewhere or other in Sweden.

He turned his moss-covered laptop on and plucked his New York Yankees baseball cap from his head. On a shelf above his desk, next to a radio controlled Dalek toy, lay his legendary troll mask, buried beneath almost 10 years of dust.

In the blue green glare of the Microsoft Windows logo, Johan reverently lifted the garishly painted papier-mache mask and attached it to his grinning face. Johan had magickally transformed into his infamous stage persona. He was once again the almighty SHAMAATAE!!!

“Fuck, the elastic’s really tight, I must have put on weight” he muttered as finally he logged on, scratching thoughtfully at his crotch.

Ding!  Aha, an email had arrived! Shamaatae (for it was he) clicked on the icon and read with impatience the typo-ridden news from his record label. The artwork for Arckanum’s comeback album, “ÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞ” was ready at last. Excellent! He quickly downloaded the image files, the Great God Pan helping them speed through the okkultik broadband in a digital dance of flowing 0’s and 1’s.

“What the flying FUCK!??!!!?!!” Shamaatae gasped as he gazed upon the projected front cover of his forthcoming album. Instead of eleven Þ runes invoking some kind of mysticness, a crudely photoshopped line of plain old alphabet “p’s” had been hastily pasted across the bottom of the cover.

The woodland troll grabbed his i-phone and immediately rang the label boss.

“Hell-o? Johan?” came the cheery answer.

“It’s Shamaatae actually, I’ve got the mask on. I’ve just received your email with the cover art…”

“What d’you think? Looks good eh?”

The troll huffed. “No it bloody well does NOT. You’ve totally fucked up. I wanted a little line of RUNES for the album title, you’ve just put a load of sodding p’s on there!”

“Yeah I had some trouble with that, I don’t really know how to type runes. It took me 6 years to find out how to do umlauts for christ’s sake. I thought using p’s was a good compromise.”

“But those fucking little p’s don’t have any occult significance you fuckhead! What mystic relevance do a line of p’s add up to? It looks like something from Sesame Street!”

“Look I’m sorry alright? How about I just remove the lettering altogether? It’ll look better like that, I promise. Okay?”

“Okay. Good then,” sulked the mighty troll.

“Just one other thing. The CD pressing plant called this morning. They’re not able to spread the tracks over 11 CDs like you wanted…”

“Oh for fuck’s sake!!!! I knew I should have gone with Osmose! Those guys have custom keyboards with “666” keys so you don’t even need to press “6” three times! AND they know how to do runes AND sodding umlauts too!”  

Shamaatae hung up and threw his i-phone across the desk.

Snap! The elastic holding the troll mask onto Johan’s face snapped and Shamaatae fell lifeless to the floor. The raging troll had turned back into mild-mannered Johan once more.

“Bollocks, the sun’s come up” observed Johan ruefully as Shamaatae’s grotesque features grimaced up at him.

“Oh well,” Johan sighed as he reached up, carefully pulling another rubber mask down from his shelf, “I’ve still got you Ronald.”

He attached the rubber, factorymade mask to his face and squinted through the eyeholes into an ornate trollish mirror. Ronald McDonald stared back.

“I’ve gots me some hamburgling to be a foilin’!”

If, like me, you consider that the genres of black metal and grunge have little in common besides key figures in both having blown their heads off with shotguns, you may be surprised to learn that a project exists claiming to mix those disparate music forms together.

Or probably, you wont be surprised in the least, if considering the fact that almost every single other music genre has by now been incorporated into a bastardised gimmick-laden form of black metal disguised as unique originality by some clueless hivemind drone peons hoping to gain their 15 minutes of fame.

Well without further ado, here’s what I’ve been building up to, it’s my fail of the week: Ea, Lord of the Tapes (that’s the cutest, most self-referential, ironic and hipsterish label name I’ve heard in a while) release #1: HØST (on kvltsette of corpse!).

Here’s the record label (I don’t know why I call it a record label, it’s just some bored dude with a tape deck who wants to be part of something, anything, to stave off existential fears of the futility of existence) description:

By mixing the sounds of grunge and black metal together, they end up having a very unique and incredibly fresh sound. This 7 track, self titled album is full of RIFFS, catchy bass lines, rockin’ drums, and Burzum grunts. This is black-’n-roll at its finest.

If you like black metal but you want something entirely different, check out HØST.

Oh dear. Take a minute to fully digest this abominable description. Maybe do a few bench presses or go for a quick run to stave off those horrible homosexual vibes from ruining your morning.

If I liked black metal but wanted something entirely different, I guess I’d listen to music that still had the same spirit communicated through different means. I’d try Dead Can Dance or Tangerine Dream or a myriad of classical composers. Not Kurt Cobain with corpsepaint.

KILL ALL HIPSTERS.

Yep, exclusive to Antihumanism.com, we’ve got the skinny on Darkthrone’s new audio turd.

See below for a full track from their new album, “Total Deaf” (uploaded to youtube for convenience and so you won’t have this crap saved onto your hard drive).

Tracklisting:

1. No feelings (no ideas)
2. Nostalgic nerd
3. Rehashed trash
4. Mailsorting post office punks
5. Park benches and cheap slags
6. Fuck Off and Buy
7. Total contempt, norse norse norse

Lyric excerpt:

“No Feelings (No Ideas)” from the album “Total Deaf” (Peaceville 2009)

No feelings inhabit my dark soul
No feelings, just Rock ’n’ Roll
I can’t think of anything to say
But I’ll fucking say it anyway
…
No feelings
Dead inside
No feelings
Like I died
No feelings
Hide the tears
No feelings
No ideas

Thanks to Cargést

Some of you may sadly remember a highly derivative and tedious US black metal band called Ritual who released some stuff on Wild Rags a few years back. Probably most of you who’ve actually heard of them only know them through a Xasthur cover version, which was just as dreary as the original.

At the time of their activity the band were derided for their laughable attempts to not only copy the Norwegian bands in sound, but also in action. But whereas the Norwegian bands made supreme music and burned churches, Ritual only made dire music that had next to no connection with the music of Immortal, Burzum et al beyond shallow surface aesthetic, paving the way for hordes of other hopeless “me too” black metal. And their “heinous, shocking crime” that they still make so much of today was to merely spray graffiti on a church like some retarded ghetto kid from a broken home.  

Anyway, we got wind recently (a distinctly pooey wind) that the mediocre fools were back in action, and trying to reinvent the past with themselves as some sort of “cult” and “legendary” band, ho ho. So it seemed only right that we subject them to our usual rigorous interview process!

1) Are you still spraypainting churches in a rather dismal attempt at emulating the Norwegians?

(A) If I were to vandalize churches these days. I would spray paint violent bible passages so that believers would question the insanity of the book they follow. True Satanism/Luciferianism is a spiritual rebellion and not against Christians, but rather the restrictions placed on the mind by their beliefs. We seek to transform the individual through magick into something better. The Norwegian kings sold out for more wealth and their mothers were tired of seeing their sons killed in battle. Returning to their Pagan past would never work because they would sell out again.

2) I take it you’re working on new material, is it as boring and generic as the debut?

(A) Generic compared to what? The sell out Life Metal being released every week! Ritual’s debut is considered a classic. You obvioulsy were not around to appreciate it back in the day and compare to the countless clone bands of today. The new material will be unlike anything heard as it follows no rulebook and brings many new sounds and atmospheres into the songcraft.

3) Are you going to keep making a big deal out of the vague Xasthur connection for promotional purposes and so as to interest hipsters in your music?

(A) Hipsters are fair weather fans and we don’t have enough emo parts to our music for them so no. Xasthur has covered Ritual and has been a friend for 15 years. We simply listed every ex member of the band and their work outside of the band so no one would bitch. Are you a fan or an internet tough guy? I’ve faced numerous attempts on my life in prison and would gladly print my address for you to ask me these questions in person if you’d like.

4) Are you going to fix the Ritual logo so that it actually works on a black background? The wing is fucked at the moment because you’ve just made it a negative image, you see.

(A) That is the site created by Ian Fleming (guitarist). I’m not aware of the wing being fucked up but I will take a look at it. Are you going to fix your myspace page and add more than 24 people and post a picture of yourself so I can buy you a drink when we meet? I’m sure this is some jealous asshole from the past who never made any music of his own.

5) Any last words?

(A) Do you have any last words?

Well, seeing as you ask:

1) Don’t believe the inevitable hype kids, Ritual’s debut was NEVER considered a classic album. Sure, it gained them a brief popularity due to being in the right place at the right time (the mid-90s when black metal became increasingly popular and therefore eventually populist in outlook, and in the relatively black metal-free US). Ritual were one of the earliest bands from the US to start cloning the Norwegians and they even failed at that. Ritual were soon forgotten once I Shalt Become achieved Ritual’s pathetically low ambitions far more successfully. People who knew the US underground at that time were aware of acts like Havohej and Profanatica, you know, bands that actually had their own voice and good music and stuff. So Ritual were ever so slightly redundant even then.
The band later came back to people’s attention after a Xasthur cover version, much like how Nargaroth brought a couple of forgotten mediocre bands like Lord Foul into the kvlt limelight. They were quickly forgotten again however, as the music was DULL and BORING.

2) Accusing us of being “internet toughguys” seems a bit rich coming from someone who goes on to utter this classic of keyboard warriorism: “I’ve faced numerous attempts on my life in prison and would gladly print my address for you to ask me these questions in person if you’d like.”

3) You’d think someone stupid enough to spraypaint their own band logo on a church and expect not to get caught would be somewhat embarrassed of their actions. But not Ritual, they’ve tried to build a career out of it. Hilariously, the official Ritual myspace now classes the band as “Criminal Black Metal”, even going so far as to print t-shirts bearing this idiotic slogan. Yo nigga, Ritual in da house!!! We done time for dat badass spraypaint job we did on a church! Dat makes us fuckin’ tuff!!!! And not at all stoopid! Hip hop gangsta black metuhl muthafuckas!!!!

A representative of the band then contacted us again with a further message with a link to the Ritual myspace page, as if to placate us or make us change our minds:

“This is the real Ritual page established by the creator of the band Robert 1993. Ian has created a page of his own and may write music here and there as he is busy with other projects non related to Black Metal. New Ritual music is on display here. If you don’t like it so be it.”

Amen!

Following the deaths of five holidaymakers after a cliff face collapsed onto a beach in Portugal’s popular Southern Algarve region, the country has declared war on unstable rock formations.

Portuguese Prime Minister José Sócrates said yesterday: “Portugal’s tolerance of dangerous cliffs and mountains has come to an end. Debating with rocks is pointless, these geological outcroppings are fanatical in their beliefs and refuse to listen to reason. They leave us with no other option but to blow the shit out of them.”

At 9:00am yesterday, Portuguese jet fighters launched a massive wave of attacks against the country’s coastlines and mountainous regions. Already several million tonnes of rock insurgents have been neutralised.

“I think it’s a disgrace something wasn’t done sooner about these rocks,” one moronic onlooker told us, “they’ve been there thousands of years plotting and scheming against humanity. The government should hang their heads in shame.”

However, there has been stern condemnation of the attacks from several geological societies, claiming that the “War on Terra” unfairly stigmatises all rocks as terrorists.

A spokesman for Portugal’s Geological Research Facility told us: “Most rocks are not dangerous to humans. Only a tiny percentage of cliffs and mountains ever crush people to death, and they’re not representative of the majority of rocks who are peaceful and law-abiding. Indeed, many rocks have been part of our landscape for centuries. I’m also very concerned about the possibility of reprisals against entirely innocent stone formations.” 

There are unconfirmed reports that several hundred Portuguese civilians have been killed since yesterday’s attacks, following mudslides and cliff face collapses caused by the heavy air bombardment. It’s thought that a further three hundred people may have been killed by stray munitions. 

US President Barack Obama has already pledged support to Portugal’s “War on Terra”, and is said to be considering the option of filling in the Grand Canyon with concrete in case someone trips and falls down it.

I like the police. They perform a highly demanding, stressful and dangerous function: keeping nasty violent reality from impinging too much on the daily lives of normal folk who like to build cosy walls of illusion around themselves.

But sometimes they can be a bit silly and try to scare you into believing that they possess godlike powers of crime detection. Like with this new televisual advertisement:

Yes, apparently the British police are now able to detect if you’ve been taking illegal drugs from a mere glance as you pass them by. At night. While you drive past in a car. Impressive stuff isn’t it.

Hilariously, the advert seems to suggest that taking drugs gives you the lamp-eyed appearance of Gollum from Lord of the Rings, which would indeed make you liable to being stopped and searched.

Now obviously the police are trained to recognise possible indications of illicit substance use like pupil dilation and throwing up all over yourself and what not. But the idea of the police having some kind of bionic night vision only serves to make them look a wee bit stupid, not scary.

Maybe next time you try to make an intimidating advert to strike fear into evildoers, just have a bunch of riot police beating up badly dressed civilians for no apparent reason (google Ian Tomlinson, folks), they’ll respect you more after that I guarantee.